i've honestly meant to come on here and write an entry, but i swear i have no time anymore and right now i'm sacrificing much-needed sleep to get on here. anyway, i HAD written a 2002 summary entry that took me four hours and then decided to disappear on me so i'll eventually write that. right now, you can hear more of my little adventures and woes.

i've spent all this year (the whole 5 days, haha) constantly with my family... driving places with them, grocery shopping and errand-running with them, going to movies with them, riding around with them, etc. it's weird actually because i never really had that when i was a kid; i was either raising my brother and sister for my mother or getting beat on and tormented by my mother. so now that i've got her out of the picture and have found time for that kind of stuff, i've been taking advantage of it. i don't know what happened to me, but my siblings don't drive me insane nearly as much as they used to anymore... maybe i've finally accepted who they are and gave up trying to civilize them. it's their loss right?

my dad suggested i should go to college here since registration is tomorrow. fuck, i'd love to. but a) i won't get sponsored by my funding agency because you can't go down in education ie. from university down to college b) we have no money, and c) our college sucks. he says there must be SOME kind of program that i could take, but i really would only need it until the fall when i hope to go back to university again. i guess it's worth looking into, but i already have to do this homework thing for my counselling session tomorrow and i regret leaving it to the last minute. so, we'll see what happens.

i've also become even more of a daddy's girl. is that even possible? i've found myself crawling into his bed while he was napping and just talking about all kinds of stuff... i swear i should never have told him about my love for anthropology because it's all he ever talks about now but i love him anyway. i've opened up to him a bit more, though i still don't feel comfortable talking about all the crap going on in my life. i'm just fine cuddling into my daddy and having him invite me out for caf� mochas, yummy. i asked him why my mother stopped cloth diapering me and switched me to disposables because i remember being in disposables and it felt awful. don't worry, i can remember as far back as fitting into my little carseat and being in my crib... yes, i'm weird. well he said it was probably because it got to be too much of a problem for her and that's just stupid because everyone knows cloth diapers are best. brayden would have been in them, only the best for my kids!

i've also found myself calling my mother almost every night, voluntarily. i didn't think i could ever have any sort of relationship with her, EVER. she mostly treated me like shit when i was young... she put me down to the dirt, made me feel worthless. she fucking pushed me down a long flight of stairs face-first for nothing and would come after me with curtain rods and whatever else she could get her hands on. i was SCARED of my mother. once i got old enough, i would fight back, almost always with my mouth instead of my fists. then i resented her and blocked her out of my life; she was such an alcoholic (and still is) and i hated her for that too. but it's only lately that i've finally been able to let all of it go. it's been a nice release and i'm trying to see only the good qualities in her. when we're on the phone i'm actually in a good mood and i tell her all the gossip going on over here. i have to pat myself on the back for that because god knows she wasn't going to try and solve anything between us.

i bumped into two of my high school friends at a family party yesterday and it was nice to just sit there with them and talk. i didn't have to worry about watching the kids (okay, i still did) and i didn't have to act like a mother... i just sat there and chatted and i wonder what i've done to push myself out of that kind of life. to just be able to go out and have fun and not worry about everything. my dad showed me off to his friends like i was a trophy and one of his friends took one look at me and said i turned out beautiful, she was beaming. how's that for my confidence? anyway, my friend and her boyfriend wanted me to go out to the clubs with them and i told them i wasn't into it. PLEASE don't drag me to clubs, i hate them. he actually called me at 2 a.m. this morning for no apparent reason. he didn't have anything to ask me, he just wanted to talk. it was kind of freaky because my friend, his girlfriend, was nowhere to be heard. how do i act 21 anyway?

since i've been on zoloft, everything's changed for me. i don't even get sad anymore, let alone depressed. this is practically the first time in my whole life that i haven't felt completely shitty and it just blows my mind. a lot of my anxiety is gone as well, and i actually enjoy going out now. i'm pretty sure if my doctor hadn't suggested antidepressants again that i would be in this really bad spot right now... that i would still be feeling like shit over losing my baby (there still isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him). i wouldn't want to leave the house, i wouldn't even be getting out of bed, just getting worse and worse. 1 point for western medicine; i still hate it for the main part and absolutely detest hospitals, but i have to admit it isn't completely stupid. i've even started eating more again. when i lost brayden, i'd just stay in bed, i wouldn't even cook for my family. now that i'm functioning again, i'm making all my oh so yummy meals again. i swear my cooking is going to be the death of me, even though most of the stuff i make is really healthy. i have a feeling i'm going to go back up to my pre-pregnancy weight and it actually makes me want to make sure my weight stays down. but alas, i'm about as lazy as anyone can get so i don't see that happening anytime soon.

okay, i REALLY have to get going because my brother is going to drag me out of my cozy bed by 7 a.m. and that's only about five hours from now. what i wouldn't do for a good night's sleep...

I'm wearing: flannel pj's, butterfly grip socks
I'm listening to: my sister watching t.v.
I'm thinking: i wish she would go to sleep!