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Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003
Marie is The current mood of at

I really am too overwhelmed with my life to keep up with this diary right now. I was, however, forced to write a short update about my life for a yahoo group I'm in so I'm putting some of it in here just so this diary doesn't get entirely neglected.

I just got back from a dr's appt today, I got switched over to a new doctor cause my regular one recently went on maternity leave. My new one seems nice but he won't be around for my next appt, so it seems I'll probably be juggled around for the rest of my pregnancy. I'm kinda pissed about that since this is such a small town but there's nothing I can do about that except grin and bear it. About the duedate: when I had my ultrasound in September, I measured a few days big, but my doctor said she wasn't going to switch my duedate. But I saw on my chart today, they changed it to Jan. 25th anyway... getting those two little days cut off makes me even more excited! But everything looks good... the dr. was checking for Liam's position and said that there were "body parts everywhere" and had trouble figuring out what position he was in. I hope he's not going to be too big! I also asked about a second ultrasound and my hospital only does one if there are no complications... I already had mine in September so I'm kinda bummed about not getting to see my boy again before he's born.

It's almost the first anniversary of me losing my first baby. My birthday's next Friday, and it also happens to be the day I lost my baby too. I really don't know how I'm going to manage it to tell you the truth. For one, no one but a few of my close friends, the baby's father, and the hospital even KNOWS about it so it's not like I can properly grieve without getting asked a million questions. It'll be my birthday and everyone will be celebrating that while I have to mourn to myself. I've also got work so that'll keep me busy for a while... and then I have to try and accept that if I hadn't lost Brayden, that I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Liam and I've already gotten so attached to him now. I don't even want to try and wonder if I would rather have stayed pregnant with Brayden and never had Liam, because then I wouldn't have Liam to be thankful for. There's just way too much conflicting things going on and I'm just going to have to wait for next Friday and see how I hold up. I just hope my hormones don't get the best of me.

There's a lot of stuff going on over here right now, my mind is constantly spinning and I don't know if I can get everything I want done before I have my baby. I've got two weeks of work left and I'll be sad to leave all the kids I got so attached to, and also the money that came along with it. I've got so many odds and ends to try and tie off from now until next month and by the time I get off work I'm just so tired that I usually don't get stuff done that I need to go out for. I also have to apply for social assistance and hope they take me in. If I get denied assistance, I am just literally screwed because I NEED to have my own place for the baby and I, and there's no other way to get around it. And when I DO get on assistance, I'll be forced to file for child support and I just know Liam's dad will try to stir up some crap about that. Just moving out is going to take up a lot of my time/energy without having to deal with the stress of having Liam's father trying to pick fights with me.

I also found out last night that my mother has cancer. I have said time and time again that I hate her and she has caused me more pain than anything else. But I can't ignore the fact that she's my mother and that if she dies, I'll have no mother at all. I always figure it's better to have a bad mother than none at all and no matter how much I despise her, that if she dies it WILL affect me. She's getting the cancer operated on in the next day or two and they say they should be able to get it all but I guess only time will tell. I'm just really getting overwhelmed right now and these hormones aren't helping. I really wish I didn't have to deal with my birthday/Christmas/New Year's this year cause I just don't have the strength to deal with it right now.

I'm wearing: Long-sleeved maternity shirt, oh-so unfashionable leggings, pooh socks
I'm listening to: Changes *Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne*
I'm thinking: I need to pee

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