July 12, 2002

My mind�s been entirely consumed at the thought of having to pay back at least half my tuition and probably more than that of my living allowance from last semester (hell, maybe even the full year). I don�t know how this could happen, after all the shit I�ve been through and now, here on my only vacation for (most likely) a long time� I get this news. They (the funding agency, the one my freaking uncle has presidency over) are trying to battle me over one course. One little course� holding me back, threatening to take away my education. And you know what�s so fucking ironic about it? That one class� was German. Where the hell am I? Nowhere else but Europe, and I�ll be in Germany in a few short weeks (I guess that class stood for more than one thing huh?).

I swear, and I stick by my story, that my life was never meant to be easy (hence my soap opera life). Nothing near it either. One thing after another, always knocking me down and trying to keep me there. If it�s not my family, my friends, my status in society, my decisions or the way I live my life, it�s the fucking funding agency giving me flap for one fucking course. Other than that single German course, I didn�t fail anything. In between the (painstakingly hard) living conditions with my roommate during first semester and my isolation, the car accident trying to rip my arm off at the shoulder and putting me into the ER and OR for the first time, and the seriously damaging depression following� I was expected not only to stay in school, but also to make sure I did exceptionally well in all my courses. Duh, where�s your brain at Marie? And my dear friend, Damieon� he fucked off all semester (I did too, but at least I went to class and got my work done), failed three of his four classes, and has nothing to worry about but probation. No paybacks (payback�s a bitch as they say), just a watchful eye over his shoulder.

Where the fuck is the justice in this world? Am I meant to go through this horrendous amount of hell while everyone around me seems to be doing quite well to hold their heads above water? Fuck, it�s no wonder half my friends have told me they�d have killed themselves long before now if they were in my shoes� hell, it�s not like I haven�t gone down that route already, life just won�t let me go. It won�t let me go dammit.

And right now, all I have for comfort is �Canon in D� by Pachabel. It�s holding me over, but I�d feel so much better if my doggie, my baby, was here to cuddle into me and kiss me whenever I needed it. Even more so, I wish my dad were hanging around, just waiting to turn into my superhero. He is my superhero, but even better because he doesn�t switch into those stupid looking tights and capes and stuff. I miss him� I�d be crying on his chest right now if he was here (maybe I wouldn�t even be crying), him making me feel all better (like magic), putting a big invisible band-aid on my feelings. But instead, I�m here, in this godforsaken space of mine that I can�t even call a room, but only a bed� crying in the dark.

I knew there was some reason for me to feel completely apprehensive about leaving� leaving everything I knew for this foreign place that I cannot, for the life of me, relate to.

Another 38 days, and counting.

P.S. the �lovely� appropriate capitalization is brought to you by Microsoft Word 2000, and believe me� if I had a choice, I�d turn the damned thing off. Meanwhile, maybe Shrek will cheer me up; I�ve just had an Angelina Jolie marathon.

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