you know what? i know it's going to be hard as hell, but i think i can take sugar and caffeine out of my diet again. i think i did this back in... 2000? i know i kept it up until university, i kept a LOT of things up until university. i've really started to realize that i really can't hack a lot of sweet stuff. hell, i can't eat even any sweeter cereals than multigrain cheerios! so, when all my sugar stock is gone (ie. christmas candy, coke, swiss chocolate, etc.) i'm going to cut it out. i was a lot healthier that way, and i know it would help me lost weight. i'm also hoping to go vegetarian again sometime soon as well, though i'm pretty much there anyway. still, when i was vegetarian and cut out sugar and caffeine, i had a LOT of deficiencies and i just started to shrink down to nothing; i'll post a picture when i'm not too lazy to find the cd they're on. so this time i'm going to try and monitor things properly... maybe keep chicken and fish in my diet for amino acids, and take daily vitamins. i really hate the idea of artifical nutrition, but this place is really crap when it comes to food diversity. so, just you watch out for super marie! i really do want to join my sxe ring again as i've kept away from all that junk when i got pregnant with brayden, but i want to make sure i have the willpower to keep it up this time. cross your fingers for me!

i've really been wiped out energy-wise these days, this zoloft is going to be the death of me. i had to force myself out of bed 1:30 this afternoon for physiotherapy and by 7:00 i was so exhausted that i had to take a two-hour nap. is this not insane? i'm going to talk to my doctor about it at my appointment next week because it's really no way to live. hopefully she can find something to counteract it, because i absolutely don't want to go back to my depressed self. i actually feel liberated of my problems now... i don't get angry or sad, or even frustrated. i think this has been the best thing to ever happen to me!

i can't wait to go to my counselling session tomorrow... that'll be a first for me. but i've really turned around since my last session before christmas, and hopefully i won't have to go much longer. i can honestly see the changes in myself, and this has been the work for one of my new year's resolutions: to become a better person. little did i know it would happen so quickly! plus, my counsellor has one of my bif naked cd's, and i'm going crazy without it!

i took out yet another piercing today. i woke up this morning with a pain on my gums and after a little examination, i saw that the bottom ball of my tongue ring had started to wear away a bit of my gumline. ouch! anyway, i've seen pictures of really extensive gum wear, so i took it out before it could get any worse. it was bound to happen sooner or later i guess, but i loved my tongue piercing... it feels like i'm missing a body part! haha. i took out my eyebrow ring last month because it was really starting to grow out, and my bellybutton piercing scar screams attention. i've still got my lip ring though, i don't think i could ever live without it. i know my dad will be ALL too happy when it disappears.

oh oh oh, this was a fun one; my dad accused me of being anorexic again today. he's been saying this off and on for about four years now. it's true that i've lost a lot of weight over short periods of time, but i eat every day. i may not eat that much, because i have a really low metabolism and a tiny stomach which can sometimes get full off a glass of juice (well it used to). i hadn't eaten today because i was either busy or just too tired to get up and cook something. i'm also finding myself getting REALLY picky with meals again. i was trying to think of what i could eat today and i just could NOT come up with anything. i didn't even want my yummy fried rice! this is one of the many reasons i wish i was still pregnant, because i would have cravings whether i was hungry or not. one time i actually considered having a peanut butter and cheese whiz sandwich. now tell me that's not normal! but my top cravings were hot lemonade and coconut chocolate bars. i haven't even TOUCHED hot lemonade since i lost brayden.

so, one of my cousins from switzerland called us this evening. while he was talking to my dad on the phone, i stayed on the line to see what i could understand. even with his thick mountain accent, i could understand quite a bit of it. not bad for one month of VERY crap german classes huh? it turns out he's coming here to canada next summer, and he wants to come to this boring corner of uncivilization. his poor soul! i'm sure he's going to have a great time anyway because he hasn't even been on a plane before and i know he's going to have fun with the cultural differences and such. i hope the mosquitoes don't eat him alive here though!

speaking of trips... my mother called today, and she went to the bathroom and put her dumb-ass boyfriend on the phone who i've probably said a few dozen words to since i first found out about him a few years ago. anyway, he and my mother want me to go and visit them really soon. if you had asked me this before the new year, i would have said no before they could finish their sentence. but, i've resolved a lot in my head (it's a miracle) and i'm actually looking forward to it. i have physiotherapy until the end of next week and an important doctor's appointment around that time. i've also got counselling as well but i really don't think i need it anymore. if i continue my sessions, i'm sure they can be postponed for a while. so, what's the plot? i'll be living even MORE isolated than i do here (yes, it's actually possible). i'm guessing this community has about 300 people, give or take a few. there's no surrounding areas unless you go by plane, so, yeah... i'll stay with my mother and her boyfriend in their brand new house. they don't have cable OR a computer which will nearly kill me, but doug (my mother's boyfriend) said they'll be installing the internet at the youth centre sometime in the near future. just you see how long i last before i crack. i'm really hoping to get something good out of the whole trip though. i'm going to make them promise they won't drink while i'm there... i don't know if that's going to happen but i will NOT sit there with nothing to do while they have one of their loud horrible fights which can be anything but avoided. i just want to go there hoping to salvage some kind of positive relationship with my mother. maybe i'll even learn not to despise her boyfriend... or maybe not.

okay, i have counselling homework to do for tomorrow. my dad threatened to change my appointment for lunchtime so my counsellor could take me out to eat. but my bif cd, i can't wait!

I'm wearing: "i AM the fuckin web" tee, stretch jeans, penguin socks
I'm listening to: leader *bif naked*
I'm thinking: i want my tongue ring back!