why is it that either there's absolutely NOTHING to do, or there's so much to do that it's almost impossible to get everything done? geez.

so last night was my first night out in about two months. is that pitiful? seriously though, my pregnancy just made me feel awful... i had morning sickness 24/7, literally. my emotions were all over the place, and i was constantly exhausted. there's also the fact that all my friends have moved away from this crap town which shows how much sense they actually have. anyway, nicole finally had some free time so we went out to eat. she did anyway, as i had already been stuffed from my late supper... my cooking always kicks ass. we mostly talked, and drove all over town a few times just so we could talk things out. we've all got our own problems, so it's nice just to be able to let things out sometimes... and i was just so sick of keeping everything all to myself, so i finally told her that i had been pregnant and then lost brayden on my birthday. it was nice to get it off my chest, but it really didn't make me feel any better about the whole thing. maybe it IS better if i didn't tell anyone about it.

it was nice to get away from this hellhole though, i'll have to admit that.

so tomorrow's new year's eve and i honestly don't give a flying fuck. i've never really gotten excited about it, and even less over the past few years with everything going on. maybe i'll put out a bunch of snacks for my dad and brother, and maybe a bit for myself (trying to lose weight ya know!)... but i really don't want to do anything special. if nicole invites me to her place, i'll go... but i'm content either way. what's all the hoopla for anyway? it's just another new day, only you have to remember to write '03 instead of '02.

i've been bumping into people at the grocery store and physio and the hospital, etc. and they've all been asking me how my christmas was. and you know what? every goddamn time, i say "good!" and make up some kind of crap story just to entertain them. there's no thought involved, it just comes out of my mouth before i can think. it scares me, because i lie just so i can tell people what they want to hear. i don't know how long i've been doing this or why i didn't notice it before, but i wonder if it's a bad thing. does anyone else do the same?

my mother called quite frantically this afternoon, saying how she gave my christmas present to some girl and her flight would be here, blah blah blah. but i couldn't believe it, my mother had a christmas present for me? anyway, we went and got it and there was a ton of crap... a stephen king movie which she loaned me, shitloads of avon bubble bath and soap, homemade cookies, homemade potholders (i cook all the food in this house except for spaghetti... that's the only thing my dad can make), and a t-shirt which says "i AM the fuckin web!" and i found it hilarious. she won it from some party or something and it's really only something i would wear. and i don't wear t-shirts because i feel uncomfortable in anything but fitted clothes, but this one is an exception! i still can't believe she sent all that stuff to me though... her heart isn't completely cold i guess.

so, i talked to one of the guys at the computer store and i'm going to try (keyword=try) to network my two computers so i can share the modem between them. now, i really should have written down all the steps but now it's too late and there's so much detail that i'm not sure if i'll be able to do it anymore. we're going to set the old one up in the living room until we have cable internet, and then probably sell it. anyway, there's no room out there for it yet, so it might be a few days before i set it up and by then my memory will be completely gone. i REALLY don't want to haul both my computers up to the shop and have them do it at my expense... so if i come on here completely clueless as how to network them, does anyone know how to get me through it? because if i have to use this computer for another two months, i'll go crazy. our new computer is just sitting under the desk looking useless. what a waste!

okay, i've officially bored myself with this entry, so i'm gonna get going. someone e-mail me, i miss those things.

I'm wearing: my sister's shirt, funky looking flares, sparkly "54" knee socks
I'm listening to: spaceman *bif naked*
I'm thinking: so much to do...