so, new year's is just around the corner and the only thing i can think about is if there's any chance i could win bif's contest. i mean, what could be any better than spending a weekend with bif?

anyway, new year's is just around the corner, and i should make up my mind about how i'm gonna be spending it. justin really wants me to spend the night with him, he's made that pretty clear in the few one-sided conversations we've had on msn. i really don't hold any grudges against him but i don't think it's in my best interest to get involved with a guy in any way right now, and i know how he is. so i figure i'll be staying at home with my brother and dad... my sister's been missing for what, two days now? i lose track after a while and i really don't want to be responsible for her ass anymore. so i'm just gonna kick around the house munching on food when i shouldn't be... and missing my baby.

i was supposed to go for another ultrasound last monday, but i didn't get a call from the hospital for an appointment so i didn't bother calling in and checking up on it. why the hell would i voluntarily put myself through that kind of torture? it was just to make sure i passed all the tissue and even though i didn't notice anything, the contraction meds must have worked because my pregnancy symptoms finally went away and i haven't had any signs of infection. i'm pretty sure i didn't put any weight back on... if anything came out of all of this this, at least it's that i dropped 10 pounds. i guess i put a headstart on my new year's resolution!

and just to add a bitchy rant... i'm officially stating that i'm never gonna enter into diaryland's secret santa anymore. i was really feeling like shit this year with everything going on, so i put my name in hoping i'd get something i wanted in the mail. and you know what? whoever had me didn't even send me anything... i was PISSED. so whoever you are, fuck you.

i was talking to one of my uncles in switzerland yesterday, or the day before... i think everyone over there knows that i'm depressed, so he basically asked me to go out there and go to university for a while. i was half-asleep when he was talking about it so i'm not exactly sure how he put it... but i think he wants me to stay with him, and that really WOULD be awesome. i mean, i love switzerland and him and his family, it would get me away from my family, and it would force me to learn swiss-german at the least... what do i have to lose? well, here's what i have to lose: i would leave my dad here to take care of the kids on his own and i just got him to check his blood pressure only to find out it's quite high, so that's not good... i know i'm going to get homesick eventually and it's not like i can just come back here anytime i want. i'm going to miss my dog like CRAZY, and i'll really only be able to talk to all my family and friends through e-mail. plus, school out there is hella hard man! i really don't know what i want to do with my life anymore either... when i came home and everything came crashing down on me, i really felt like everything i had been working on wasn't meant to be. hell, i think someone was trying to tell me that first with all my problems with marilyn, and then when i got hit by the car. but i didn't listen, so i had to bounce back and then have problems with yet more roommates, get involved into shit i shouldn't have, got pregnant, and then lost the baby. and then all the shit with my landlord, and then my mother and dad. so yeah, i think i should be making a new plan.

anyone have any suggestions?

I'm wearing: flannel pj's
I'm listening to: i love myself today *bif naked*
I'm thinking: my feet are cold