I think it would be much easier to just give up and let the whole world beat me than to try and rise above it all. Seriously. I was crying uncontrollably for a good half-hour before I got sick of it and forced myself to stop. Since I don't really want to explain it properly, I'm going to copy and paste what I wrote on my lovely mom's loss message board... quite a bit of it might be recap but I'm too lazy to edit.

"So, my drama for the day. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the fact that my landlord had kept all my stuff at my apartment in New Brunswick when I came back here... well over $2,000 worth of stuff, and quite a bit of sentimental things I've saved over the years. I'd called him a while ago only for him to inform me that he got rid of it, and my world came crashing down on me. One of my good friends that was still out in New Brunswick thought there still might be some of my stuff over there and she wanted to look into it since she knew his girlfriend. Well, his girlfriend told Nicole (my friend) that as far as she knew, everything was still there and I could work something out to get it all back. I foolishly got my hopes up and called him this evening, expecting the worst, but hoping for the best. I tried to be polite the whole time while he talked me down to the dirt. Yes, I cut my lease off short... but I'd hit rock bottom, I was deep in debt, had to quit school to prevent my marks from suffering... I had to go home for some much-needed counselling and physiotherapy. And I was pregnant! There was no way I would have made it until June with a huge belly in that tiny shower stall anyway! I even paid rent for an entire month when I wasn't even there (I had to call my biological mother and ask her for a loan, making it the first time I ever had to ask her for anything and she made me feel like a jerk). So he's talking me down to the dirt saying I put him out and he suffered for it. I understand that, but there was NO OTHER OPTION, I didn't mean for all of this to happen. He knew that, and he kept making me feel like crap anyway. I'm pretty sure he knows I lost Brayden and was going through a lot, I'm even positive he knows. He then went on to say how he sold most of my stuff, and there wasn't much left (I'm guessing my sentimental things that aren't worth anything to anyone but me). He said if I wanted the rest of it back I would have to pay him three months of rent, which is almost $1000. For one, he sold all my valuables, which he probably made well over $1000 off of, and two, what's probably left isn't even worth $20. I was crying way before he was telling me this, there was no way I could hold it back. So you know what he did? He started to talk me down even worse! I said I had no money and couldn't get any in the near future. He told me to get a job and I explained how I couldn't get one because of my shoulder problems. He told me that I either pay the $1000 to get my stuff back, or he gets rid of it. I again told him there was no way for me to come up with the money... so he promptly said "well then, it's all gone, and I don't want to hear from you again" and hung up on me. I'm just in so much shock and disbelief right now. What he did to me, I'll never forgive him for. I feel like complete shit, and I'm wondering if I should be feeling as badly as I am while on Zoloft..."

Do I really deserve all the shit I put up with on a day-to-day basis? Does some higher power believe that I constantly need challenges in my life? Fucking give it up already. I'm only human, I break after a certain point. Anyway, today was FINALLY time for my ultrasound; at least I'd get that out of the way, right? Wrong. Here's my next copy-and-paste.

"My u/s got cancelled yet AGAIN and I swear I'm going to give up on my hospital entirely! I forced down all that water (which was half frozen because the fridge decided to get colder somehow) on EASILY one of the coldest days this winter, in 15 minutes because I figured I could do it in 10. HAH. Anyway, I waited forever in the hospital... eventually, about an hour after my poor bladder had started crying out to be relieved, the technician came out to say the ultrasound machine had just broken before my turn. Does bad luck follow me around everywhere I go? I wanted to have a fit right there, and she said I could try to wait another 20-30 minutes until it was fixed. I reluctantly said I would and 15 minutes after that, she said it would take all afternoon to repair and that my appointment was cancelled. This shouldn't even be acceptable, I've been waiting for an u/s for two months! I've been peeing all over town while running errands. I'm so pissed right now! (no pun intended, haha) I still can't believe I'm drinking water right now after today's escapades..."

So, what I wanted done and over with is indeed still hanging on my conscience. I think the whole world is conspiring against me. I truly believe that... and why else would choppers be flying over my house every single day and annoying the hell out of me and making me paranoid at the same time? They followed me while I was in Fredericton too, the bastards. I wonder if all these bad guys read my diary. If so, go away bastards! Haha, I think I'd be crouched in a corner urinating on the floor and babbling nonsense if I didn't have my sense of humor.

I woke up this morning still with that yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. No more greasy foods for this girl, orders of her royal majesty's stomach. Just imagine how grateful my tummy will be to me when I go veggie again! I think I may eat a bit of chicken/fish here and there though, I don't want to go through that whole protein deficiency thing again. I'm only a university student; healthy, healthy protein-based foods tend to be quite expensive around these parts of Canada! I caved in this evening and begged my dad to get me some more caffeinated beverages... my lovely coke. He inquired about my wanting to cut out caffeine and I relpied with "Dad, I can't just quit cold turkey!" Heh. Okay, I quit drugs, cigarrettes, and alcohol cold turkey but I had no other choice; I was pregnant! Caffeine on the other hand, is my best friend. I bet that I'll be forced to turn back to it when I'm cramming for a test or even forced to stay awake during a boring class next fall... I can see it happening already!

A miracle happened today amongst everything though, Melissa finally got a phone! Poor girl, racked her bill up to like $600 making calls to psychics last year. Her obsession with astrology and the like is going to kill her one of these days... but she has a phone again! I have no idea how long we were talking, but she made me get off because they hadn't really called anyone yet. I miss that girl something fierce...

I got mistaken for being in the teeny-bopper age bracket again today. Twice even! If I had a nickel for every time someone thought I was under the age of 16, I'd be able to get all my stuff back from that asshole that I'm going to haunt when I die.

Okay, I know I'm leaving a ton of stuff out for the third day in a row but I feel like shit... my head's pounding, my lungs hurt, and I'm dehydrated and want to throw up.

This has to go without saying though, I got something oh-so nice in the mail today from Corey from my Amazon wishlist. I shall be reading it at every spare moment. Thank you so much hon, you don't know how grateful I am.

And oh yeah, Andrew's sidekick Sammy informed me that they'll be adding a feature to transfer diary entries in the next few weeks. I hope I didn't let out some top-secret information, but DAMN I'm happy I don't have to copy and paste 500+ entries. You know how much of a pain in the ass that would have been?

And I had a really crazy dream again last night... I'm sort of in the theme of people trying to hunt me down and kill me, and being in scary situations. One of these days I'm gonna make a fucked-up movie based on my many, many dreams. I bet it'd be even more confusing than Vanilla Sky.

Okay, I'm really going now.

Addition: Okay, I lied; there's one more thing I have to add... I'm going to send a Valentine e-card to Justin in a minute(the ex, not the anti-christ). It's probably going to be very much of a tease on my behalf, just because I can and because I know it'll drive him crazy. Who knows, maybe I'll even go over there tomorrow. My plan was to get some movies and vegg out on carrot sticks, strawberries, and grapes but I'm open to invitations. By the way, my brain tells me that it smells the old-skool strawberry fruit roll-ups, the ones that actually had fruit seeds and yumminess in them. Have you ever had fruit roll-up eaten off of your body? Try to avoid it, it's quite sticky.

I'm really gone this time, I think.

Only one more thing, I promise. Remember me sobbing over the fact that the PMQ I grew up in was tore down? I went to the base to take a look for myself, and I almost cried. One whole damn street, and out of the only two PMQ's that they tear down, ours is one of them. It just looked like a big gaping emptiness, covered in snow. Our house gone, our trees gone, our memories gone. If that's not depressing, I don't know what is. I mean, even Eminem's childhood house is still around, but mine's scattered around a landfill.

I'm hungry now so I'm pretty sure I can keep myself away from here. Besides, it's like... 1:30 in the morning and I should be sleeping!

I'm wearing: Baby tee, STU sweatshirt, double button-fly stretchy flares, black socks, butterfly slippers
I'm listening to: Volvo-driving soccer mom *Everclear*
I'm thinking: Fuck the world, every damn bit of it