i hate keeping myself awake when i'm absolutely drained, but the weird thing is, i get completely over-tired when i get much more than five hours sleep. is that healthy?

so, it's been a tough day. for the first time ever, i couldn't wait to get out of anthro. this is my only class to gush over crushgirl, so i usually love every minute. i was checking my watch all class, and i had to close my eyes a few times to hold back tears. the lecture was even interesting, and i just plain couldn't pay attention.

how does this whole thing get turned around to make ME feel shitty? i wasn't the one going and talking behind people's backs instead of the respective people.

i've decided to start with counselling. this is probably the biggest thing i've ever done, as i've never thought about it before. i REALLY need it, because i was actually thinking about quitting university right now and going home to nothing. how fucked up is that? but i have a feeling i'm going to feel like crap for a while, as long as i'm trying to fix my messed-up head anyway.

my problems run quite deep, and these past few days have only brought everything floating around the surface of my thoughts... all the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, rejection, mind games, and other crap that i pushed aside for all these years has definitely taken a toll on me. as i was talking to damieon, i just felt like throwing it all off my chest and crying in his arms until i couldn't cry anymore. i never get to talk about my feelings because i listen to everyone else's problems and it's like i can't get a word in edgewise.

yup, this whole counselling thing is going to be one big-ass rollercoaster ride.

i've got an appointment with my surgeon in seven hours, i'm getting a little antsy about it. this is the big one where he looks at yet ANOTHER set of x-rays and sets up my surgery. i have a feeling i'll be admitted either this weekend or early next week. i hope i don't have to stay overnight, but i guess i'll find everything out tomorrow, and pass on the details.

and this break is going to be full of books and papers... i'm going to catch up on all my classes, i swear. my roommate should be gone during all of march break, so i'll even be able to play my music whenever i want. i don't have much to complain about though, because half the dics in her stereo are mine. and she put them in there. she loves bif naked so i love her. not really, but hey, i love anyone who loves bif.

i sooooooooo have "only hope" by mandy moore stuck in my head. i think i can officially call it my new favorite song.

and i'm sooooooo getting "a walk to remember" when it comes out on video/dvd.

I'm wearing:
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