why the fuck do i always have to be so cold? it's the middle of may and here i am in my tiny room with the heat on half-way. i'll take into account that this town is still "blessed" with snow but the weather hasn't been entirely horrible. it wouldn't hurt to have some sun though... i can't even have a curtain up in my window or else i'll be smothered in complete darkness. i get a little tense dressing and undressing so i should venture out for some lacy/sheary-type curtains so i can have some actual privacy and not lose my light source.

one of my eyes got swollen up this evening, i look like a freak. i tried looking in our medical book but there was nothing about swollen eyes. i think bif naked listed a medical website in her *another 5 songs and a poem* album so i'll look it up on that. this better not mean i have a tumor or something, i can be such a hypochondriac sometimes.

my dad made me go visit this lady with him today. she's originally from here, but she's been living in germany forever with her husband (now on #2). she asked if i remembered her... "you know, she got married to dietmar, your mother and i went to their wedding!" *note i didn't go* you know, this was in the old days when the classic nintendo just came out and i didn't even have one yet. oh, those 8-bit graphics, you gotta love 'em. but eventually i remembered her, and they droned on about different german dialects and i nearly died of boredom. she asked if i was going to high school and when i told her i'd graduated three years ago and that i was going to be 21 this year, her eyes nearly popped out of her head. and as usual, i got knocked about my body piercings. i wish people would quit talking about them. grr.

all today, i've been consumed over the fact that i've become such a hermit. all my friends are scattered all over canada now, and it's just depressing. i miss damieon the most, he hardly ever calls anymore. when i was living in fredericton, i was with friends 24/7 (literally) and i hardly ever leave the house now. i'm the family's bitch, made to cook and clean and mother my siblings. i may have put up with this before but i just can't take it anymore. if only i had my friends to run away to.

justin's still calling and messaging me on msn all the time... he still invites me to his place to "watch movies" and then gets all offensive when i say no. "you have no time for your friends" he says, but really, i don't know what to think of him anymore. he's always lying, and now he tries to put it all on damieon. i know damieon likes to fuck with people's heads, but he wouldn't lie to me about stuff like this, i know him too well for that. justin likes to think that i'm in love with him, i just plain laughed out loud when he confronted me. haha. no, i don't "do" love.

my visa bill came today, it's up to almost $650. big ouch. i've got $260 in my bank account and no job. this is where all my friends come into play. various friends owe me $120, $55, $90, $75, and $20. looking at this list makes me wonder why i'm so giving... really, can i afford to be dishing out that kind of money when i can't even pay off my own bills? and on top of that, only one of these people has a job, and i probably won't get the rest of my money for upwards of a few years down the road. so now i have to remind myself that i can't give money away anymore.

i really hope it's pms that's making me feel so down. either that or this town is just depressing in itself. i really can't wait to go back home. fredericton's my home now, it's where i belong.

okay, i have to go on a desperate search of my cd rack to find some uplifting music before i drive myself crazy.

and my physiotherapist gets to torture me in the morning, she gets to put me in utter pain and discomfort. well, at least she's pretty, haha.

ugh, depression knows no boundaries.

I'm wearing: long-sleeved baby tee, STU scrubs, butterfly socks
I'm listening to: my definition of a boombastic jazz style *dream warriors*
I'm thinking: glade makes a KICK-ASS rainshower-scented candle