i seriously didn't know how i was going to make it through last night. even thinking about what went on, it makes me feel like i am one big mistake.

after i wrote my last entry yesterday, i kinda just hung around my room because the kids were getting ready for air cadets and were yelling at everyone and driving my parents crazy. my mother was getting drunk and playing bingo, and my dad was busy taking the kids around.

anyway, my mother decided she should find someone to get my stuff while she was drunk. she got this guy to get my stuff, and then she called my landlord to tell him someone was going to pick my stuff up. i wouldn't even have wanted him to know, but he's got my stuff locked up and there would be no other way to get it. anyway, he went psycho as far as i could tell. he kept saying how i broke my lease. i know it, he knows it, but he wasn't going to take me to court. so he went on saying how he's keeping my stuff until i go back to fredericton and move back in and pay rent until june. what kind of royal horse is that jerk-off on? he doesn't even know i was planning on going back, and he expected me to go back there and work just to pay rent and have no life?! fucking asshole. so now i can't even get it. i wonder what he said to the guy who was gonna pick it up. but he's friends with my lawyer so maybe he'll figure it out anyway. can i not screw him over for the fact that he's keeping MY stuff? there's at least $2,000 worth of my belongings there!

so, dad came home and mom told him about it. all this time, i was waiting for him to come home because he said he'd take me birthday shopping. i waited an hour and he didn't come, so i just curled up in bed and got depressed. mom told him what happened and he blew up. he was saying how he was gonna give my landlord shit and that he wanted to literally blow him to pieces. then my mother and dad starting talking about me behind my back, saying that i didn't fill them in on what was going on (which is NOT true, i told them everything i knew) and how i lied about things and that i can't do anything for myself, i'm in shit, etc etc etc. my dad also said that i wasn't going back to fredericton anymore (HE said that) and my mother called me a liar again. i wasn't gonna take anymore of this shit, so i went out there and started arguing with them, which is something i never do. my dad went crazy at me so i went to the bathroom crying. so you know what my dad did? he called me a bitch, he yelled it at me. he said he was fed up with me and he couldn't take it anymore. i was completely crushed. out of the whole world, this is the only person i love and trust. and he called me a bitch and basically said he gave up on me. he went psycho; he was storming around the house yelling and going crazy, and i seriously thought he was going to kick me out of the house. i couldn't stop crying, and i wanted nothing else but to get out of the house and turn somewhere for refuge. but none of my friends are here yet and i had nowhere to go. and i couldn't have just gone for a walk, it was -40 degrees with the windchill. so i had to stay in my room and listen to my dad talk shit about me. i had to stay there and cry my eyes out and wish i was dead. wish there was some way i could kill myself right then and there. i wanted to vanish into thin air. and all the while, i wanted to open that door and tell him he made me want to die, but i didn't want to take anymore shit from him and he eventually stormed out of the house and drove away.

i cried all night. i was so stressed out and mad that my stomach burned and cramped, and i couldn't see through the tears. eventually i just wore myself out and fell asleep. but i kept waking up, reliving that night over and over in my head. and i felt worthless. my dad, the only person that believed in me, the only person who loved me. he treated me like shit. now i've got defenses against my mother; i know her inside out and i can block out her shit. but my dad's supposed to love me and i didn't expect it from him.

i didn't get up today until late afternoon. i was supposed to confirm my scholarship today and i didn't, so i'm stuck here anyway. i didn't want to face the man who's my dad. i didn't want to get into any more arguments. i had no choice but to listen to my mother and dad argue over their usual things. but it was worse. and i was a topic of their fight. and i just wanted to die. eventually i went out to go use the bathroom, but i've stayed in here. my dad came in to try and pretend nothing even happened last night. he wanted to take me out to eat. i haven't eaten yet today, and i don't give a shit right now. i can't stand him for treating me like he did. i can't stand him even more for trying to put it under a rug and pretend nothing happened.

i'm supposed to be daddy's girl, but right now i feel like anything BUT.

it's my birthday in a few hours, whoop-de-doo. fuckers. how is it that my birthday and holidays are ruined EVERY FUCKING YEAR? i'm sick of it.

I'm wearing: baby tee, flared jeans, stripey socks
I'm listening to: friends
I'm thinking: fuck the world