I�m not even going to bother coming online to type this, since I have no clue how long it�ll take to update. I�ll probably cut out huge chunks of my days to cut down� this is what I get for putting it off. And Microsoft word is pissing me off cause it won�t let me type all in lowercase.

So, I don�t even know where I left off� maybe I�ll tell you why I was so happy on Thursday. I had finished my morning classes, and went to the computer lab to check my e-mail. I found an e-mail from Justin. I didn�t know what to expect because I hadn�t heard from him in a long time, and I didn�t even know if he was interested in me anymore. Besides, I�m only going home at Christmas, and I�ll be leaving again in a week and a half. He asked me on a date for when I go back for the holidays. He hadn�t written me in so long because he really wanted to ask me out, and I�ve been on his mind every day. Well, he finally got the guts to do it! He said he really likes me and that he feels things could get serious. Basically, he has a lot of hopes for a future with us. When I read this, two feelings came to me: happiness, and heartache. I was really happy because here is this awesome guy, who has these huge feelings for me, is looking forward to a future with me, and makes me feel like a princess. But it also made my heart sink. This was always the sort of luck I had. Here�s this great guy that I see great potential with, but he�s all the way in Labrador. A three-day drive/$1000 plane ride away. I�d only get to see him twice a year, and during Christmas it�d only be for two weeks. He rest of the year we�d have to subsist on phone calls, e-mails, and letters. And it�d never be enough for me. And then there�d be the fact that I might find someone else out here and then be torn between staying with Justin or breaking things off with him for someone closer. I just can�t do that. I was in a bad mood when I wrote him back the next day. I explained to him that a lot has been going on with me, and I�m depressed as hell. I told him that I have the same feelings for him, but I can�t let myself get attached because long distance doesn�t work for me, and a whole lot of other crap you don�t need to hear about. Looking back on it, I feel so bad for writing what I did. He hasn�t written me back yet and I�m scared to call him. I feel like such a creep. I�ll leave it at that for Thursday. I know my day got a lot worse as it turned to night. Actually, no I won�t leave it at that. Marilyn took off, and left the apartment in its usual disarray. This pissed me off and I practically had a mental breakdown cleaning it up. The dishes were piling up and she had everything pulled out of its place. She took off with her friend�s mother and didn�t bother saying when she�d be back. I went to the mall to get away from it all. I did my hair, dressed up, and didn�t care at all that I was going alone. I walked over to the bus stop, and ended up having to wait for fifteen minutes. All the while, cars were driving by and checking me out. One guy actually slowed right down with his window open and his mouth practically hanging out the window. Damn did it ever feel good =o) I even had a girl check me out. I went to the mall and hoped to find Sarah working. She wasn�t, so I was feeling kind of crappy. I bought some much-needed mousse, q-tips, and mitts for the winter. I went to get some cash back, but found out that I�m out of money. That REALLY pissed me off and ruined the rest of my day. This is when I bought myself a vcr, and charged it to my dad. He said I could do a few days before, but I didn�t really want to. I was so bummed though that I went and got it anyway. I pondered going to see a movie but knew I couldn�t afford it and just went home. Except, I missed my bus, so I had to take a cab instead. I had 40 bucks to last me the rest of the month, and 5 of it already went to getting my ass home. I came home, hooked up the vcr and couldn�t get it working. Grr. I spent all night trying to figure out what was wrong but gave up around 11:00 and called Nicole. I totally vented out everything. I felt really bad for throwing it all at her, but I was about to cry my eyes out and I didn�t have anyone to talk to. She made me feel better, and we talked about a lot of things. She�s invited me to go and see her for a weekend, and we vented about university. She helped me decide that I should drop my history, since I�ve slowly been wearing down from constant 19-20 hour days. This way, my mwf�s are free until 2:30. Sigh, what a relief. She�s also thinking about dropping her geography, I think. And she has her own problems, so we basically just talked each other to half-sanity. I went to bed around 11:00 (what a miracle for me), I was exhausted, and Marilyn wasn�t home yet. So I left her a note saying that she�d have to wake up by herself as I wasn�t going to school until the afternoon.

And I slept in like crazy on Friday. I slept in until an unbelievable 11:00 (when I would normally get up at 6 a.m.). But you know what I found when I woke up? Marilyn sleeping in her bed. And a mess in the apartment again. I woke her up and asked her why she never went to school. She said that she�d been up until 4 a.m. doing homework and didn�t bother getting up for her classes. Gee, what a surprise. You obviously can�t do your homework when you�re out having fun 24/7. I fought back the urge to bitch the hell out of her. And managed to do it. I even managed to keep my mouth shut about the mess in the apartment and cleaned it up without bitching. I tried talking with her, but found it aggravating as she talked about how she was tired from staying up all night doing homework, when it was her fault in the first place. I got ready for my afternoon at the university, which is what Marilyn was supposed to be doing too, cause she had class as well. But she didn�t even bother going in the afternoon either. You know what her reason was? �I don�t want to be on the bus for 45 minutes�. So I told her to go fuck herself (in my head of course). She wanted to type up her essay on my laptop and print it out. Fuck, I mean, ink isn�t cheap. Paper isn�t free either. Whatever. I told her I didn�t have time for that kind of bullshit, and she was like �whatever� and I left for university. I went to my history prof�s office and had a talk with her. I explained to her that getting up at 6 a.m. every morning for her class was wearing me out, and all the other problems I had that made it worse. I told her that it wasn�t her teaching that made me drop history, and that I was going to miss her lectures and I wish I could stay and all that crap. Except I really meant it. She was really understanding about it all, and I was beyond relieved when I went to the registrar�s office and dropped it. I went to my humanities class, exhausted and stressed and depressed, even after dropping history. It was hard getting through that hour, but I did it and looked forward to going home. I bought some groceries (which brought my total down to 25 bucks) and then I can�t even remember what I did� I think I stayed home by myself� watched movies (I had the vcr hooked up wrong) and moped around.

Saturday� I watched more movies, and relaxed like I hadn�t had a break in ten years. It was great not having Marilyn around. Am I a bitch for saying that? I don�t care, we�ve spent far too much time together. I cleaned, and then started to fall asleep in the recliner when Melissa called around 8:00. She wanted to go to the club, but I didn�t have a way to get to her place. I mean, all I had for the rest of the month was 25 bucks, and it costs 5 bucks to get back and forth. I got off the phone with her and got depressed, since it was Saturday night and I had nowhere to go. She wanted to go to the g club, the gay club here. Dad called, and I started crying on the phone� everything was falling apart� I had no money, no support, no one to love me, university sucked, and I had to clean up after a 20 year-old 24/7, when she was off doing whatever and talking about me behind my back. Things were getting worse, and I couldn�t even talk to my dog properly cause I was crying so bad. I ended up getting off the phone and deciding to go out to the clubs with Melissa anyway. I did my hair and got a cab to her place. Her gf was getting ready and I thought she was sleeping. I didn�t mind her coming, but if she came, it meant that I would be left out. Plus, she could have picked me up so I wouldn�t have to spend my much-needed money on a cab to get there. We left around 11:30 for the g club. It was a total disappointment. The place was a total dump, it looked like it hadn�t been cleaned since I was born, and there less than ten people there, and even they seemed snobby. So we left, and went to the upper deck next door. It wasn�t even crowded, and then Melissa and Peggy got into a fight, and I was sort of stuck in the middle. Peggy left, and I was left with a depressed Melissa. We had no fun, and ended up leaving 15 minutes later. We wanted some coffee so went to Tim Horton�s and the damn place was closed. I was getting pretty pissed by now. I had spent nearly ten bucks of my grocery/bill money to spend time with Melissa and all I felt was uncomfortable and depressed. We ended up going back to her place, where they went and talked things over in their room, and I was left in their living room with nothing to do. No tv, no computer, no radio, not even any books. Talk about boring. I wanted to die. Melissa came out 20 minutes later with a blanket and pillow for me, though I couldn�t sleep at all during the night because their cat annoyed the hell out of me.

I got up this morning and Peggy brought me home on her way to work. We stopped by Tim Horton�s on the way so I could get a mocha, an �clair, cinnamon bun, and three timbits. Now all I have left is ten bucks. Which will have to last me the rest of the month. Anyway, I came home and got into a cleaning frenzy. I cleaned for four hours straight, I didn�t even stop to eat. I did laundry, dishes� vacuumed, swept, mopped the floors. I polished the furniture, and dusted everything in sight. I scrubbed the walls with Mr. Clean, and cleaned all the windows and mirrors. I cleaned everything in the bathroom and kitchen, and made sure nothing was left untouched. I felt really accomplished once I was done� the apartment smelled great, and it looked even better. Then Marilyn came home, ate my Tim Horton�s, started her mess all over again, then got the deep fryer going and stunk the apartment up with grease. Fuck, I was PISSED. She didn�t even do her dishes. And then she started asking me about typing up her essays (note that she expects me to let her type up whatever she wants and use up all my ink/paper on top of it) on my laptop and printing them out. Am I here only to meet her fucking needs? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck this goddamned life of mine.

That�s my weekend in summary. I could tell you a lot more, but I think three typed pages is enough. Plus, my mind is about to explode and I need a break. Nicole asked for the address to my diary, so I�m feeling kind of blah about writing in here now. I mean I have no problem with her reading my diary, but I�d feel so much better knowing that this diary was for the internet, and the internet only.

But dammit, I�m sick of typing. I�ll update you a bit more later?

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