What was I thinking when I thought I could handle going to the hospital to see Miranda's bio sister's newborn baby? I got in such a funk when we got there, I wouldn't say a word. I thought I was going to start crying, I couldn't even look at that baby. And when I did, I felt the most awful expression on my face. I couldn't even muster up a "congratulations". I want my baby, I don't want to see someone else's baby, especially a brand new mother who was already drunk the day after her little boy was born, still in the hospital. That's just too cruel. If that baby has fetal alcohol syndrome, I hope kharma comes around and knocks that mother right on her ass. Jerk. And naming him Romaine? That little kid's gonna be called lettuce head or something for the rest of his life.

Anyway, last night's entry sucked. I think I was half asleep because I'd almost fallen out of my chair at one point, haha. At least I tried.

I also had my first new session of counseling today. It went okay but I felt really detached and distracted, which was the first time since I ever saw her. I don't know what it was, I was just getting weird vibes all day. I finally told her about my OCD symptoms and attention/memory problems... and hearing it out loud made me realize that it's probably not related to any disorders. Maybe it's because of the environment I grew up in. My house has always been out of control, so my OCD traits are my way of having some control. I can't pay attention or get to sleep because I worry too much to think about anything else. I'm always in some sort of anxiety because of all the worrying... I don't know if I'm awake or dreaming half the time because my problems follow into my dreams. Basically, I'm one majorly screwed up person. My goal is to take control of my automatic thoughts and try to ignore them, or something. I couldn't pay attention to what my counselor was saying. But I did tell her about my interest in starting yoga and meditation. I've been wanting to do it forever, but I've never had the motivation. Maybe it's just what I need right now; and at the least it'll help with my anxiety, because by the end of the day my chest hurts like a bitch every time I breathe. My counselor told me that a yoga instructor just moved here so I can actually get sessions with her. The only thing is, she'll probably charge me a billion dollars a session; and with $5 or so in my bank account, that just ain't gonna happen. Haha, I'm a hick now. I don't think I could pull it off very long, I'd be laughing my ass off in 2 minutes. And my counselor couldn't find my file... I think "they" stole it, they had to've. They're spying on me, I tell you. What would they want with my counseling file? They're gonna know my weaknesses! Haha.

My dad tried mailing off two calendars to my uncle in Switzerland today. Do you know how much they charge for *two* calendars overseas? Over 35 freakin' DOLLARS! Is the postage supporting the potential war or something? Geez, just shoot me now. Im also convinced of a lite tampon conspiracy. I can't find a single box in this crap town. I'm sorry, but I don't use anything more than a regular... who the hell uses those super mega jumbo bazooka tampons anyway? I'm really starting to think I'll have to find a way to order some online before I go crazy. I also need to find some stevia on the internet as I know they don't have any here. The less refined sugar I have, the better. Stevia all the way! Plus, I have to find some fennel seed tea for my dad, so I have my night cut out. And did you know that ethernet hubs cost over $100?! At least that's how much they cost here. I think I'm going to move into the forest, I don't want my money fueling the government's evil plans. Evil I tell you!

I picked up a knitting magazine today. I was really going to try and find a left-handed knitter around town to teach me, but I know that'll never happen so I'm going to have to try right-handed knitting again. My mother taught me when I was 8 or 9 and I couldn't believe how cumbersome and time-draining it was. I guess I wasn't smart enough to realize that lefties can't really do anything as fast with right-handed activities so I just quit. You wouldn't believe how crafty I actually am... I can sew, knit, quilt, cross-stitch, do plastic canvas, beadwork, friendship bracelets, scrapbook, just about anything. One day I'm going to get someone to teach me to bake bread from scratch. I was meant to stay at home, I swear it's my calling. But I'll settle for forensic anthropology, hehe.

I'm bored now. More drama tomorrow.

I'm wearing: *Property of no one* hooded baby tee, stretchy flares, toe socks with a hole in the toe
I'm listening to: Malchik Gei *t.a.T.u*
I'm thinking: I need new slippers