Want to hear another of my new year's resolutions? Well, I'm going to try and capitilize my entries again. I've gotten a lot of slack about it from people who don't know me, and I guess it's about time that I did it again so my resum�s and such don't end up entirely in lower-case (out of habit). I still maintain that I love it better without capitals though... I just want to prove that I'm not lazy (at least not in this situation!).

I really wish I hadn't taken a good night's sleep for granted. Since I've been on Zoloft, it's just ruined my sleeping habits. I wake up at least a dozen times every night and I never feel rested anymore. At least when I was an insomniac, I would eventually fall asleep and STAY asleep. Oy.

I've finally scheduled my last few physiotherapy sessions and I'm officially through with all my appointments by next thursday. Then I will just be a full-time stay at home substitute mother. I really wouldn't mind it that much but Miranda's been home for a few stretches here and there and I just have NOT been able to find a way to block her shit out. She asks for trouble and I swear she provokes an argument at every possible opportunity. I've tried to tame her down but it just goes in one ear and out the other... IF she even listens to me at all. When it's just us two, I can get along with her fine. But the rest of my family are so unbeLIEVably stubborn that they all have to be right. They all have to win their arguments, and they all have to get every word into it. No wonder why my dad has high blood pressure; I can feel mine rise when the kids get so bad that I feel like knocking their heads together and throwing them out of the house. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Miranda's going to drive me crazy. It turns out my mother called social services and told them that Miranda's too immature to have her own place. Of course she is, but she's never home anyway. Having that kind of responsibility would hopefully open her eyes a bit and make her realize that she's only ruining her life the way she's acting. And if she didn't live here, she wouldn't boil our blood! She has to make mistakes in order to learn a lesson, and if a place of her own will do that... so be it. Just leave me the fuck alone.

It's been a few days since my mother called and practically begged me to go out and spend some time with her and her boyfriend. When I first thought it over, it sounded okay. But as time passes, it just seems more and more like a really bad nightmare waiting to happen. Don't get me wrong, I want to try and get along with her... I've never really had a mother before and somewhere inside me I'm still crying out for one. But then I start thinking about everything I'd have to deal with out there... the isolation, the fact that they're both insane alcoholics, the risk I'm taking just going there only to ruin everything I've worked at to better myself. How do I know it's going to work out? I don't. So I guess I'll wait until the end of next week and see how I feel then.

I watched E.R. tonight knowing there was something to do with a pregnant doctor on it. I saw the preview and for some reason I had to watch. Little did I know that half-ways through the show, she would be going through a miscarriage. But I couldn't change the channel, my hand wouldn't pick up the remote. I felt like it was me up there on the screen, living through last month all over again. I felt her cramps; I almost curled up in pain. I knew exactly what she was thinking, what she was going through. As she was living her worst nightmare, she tried to push reality away and work around the hospital. She blocked it all out despite the painful cries of her body. She eventually told someone and broke into tears... and all this time my eyes were welling up and I was brought back to that very night when I knew I was losing my own baby. I was brought back to all those feelings I went through, of how I couldn't cope with it no matter how hard I tried. I guess it'll always be like that though huh? Amounts of time will pass and no matter how much I've healed, it will only take one thing to trigger my memories and I'll always go back to my worst birthday ever.

I just miss my baby so much.

I'm wearing: Baby tee, jeans, black socks
I'm listening to: Spam *Save Ferris*
I'm thinking: These kids are going to be the death of me...