i love the way i feel when i get out of a hot bath and get into some comfy flannel pj's. except the pants aren't comfy at all right now because i feel like i'm gonna suffocate in them. i've got the waist right up to my frikkin bra (they have a LONG waist) and i still can't breathe. i'm not gaining any weight, i guess it's just some major bloating or something. i hope it goes down really soon because i won't even be able to breathe in any of my jeans.

anyway, i was up reading old high school notes from friends until 6 a.m. this morning... i managed to get through two packed shoeboxes. my friends and i must have passed around at least half a dozen trees worth of notes! i still have another box to go, but just reading those letters brought me right back to my teen years; there were letters dated back as far as 1996. going through them all, it was plain to see i've been dealing with severe depression pretty much all my life, i've just blocked it out. and i can't believe how mistreated i was back then. how could i have not remembered that? my parents treated me like shit! i also found two old journals, one of them written when i was seven years old. it was hilarious! i'll post an entry here and there to give you a little taste of my pre-pubescent life.

my mother is driving me crazy. my dad wouldn't buy her any beer tonight so she was a bitch ALL night long, and i swear i was gonna rip her head off. her cigarettes make my stomach turn, and she treats me like a kid. i hate it because she's so condescending, but she's reversed her role to a child and makes me do all the things she should be doing. i really hope she doesn't stay any longer than christmas. hell, if she goes before christmas, all the better. besides, my cooking is still better than hers.

my birthday's on thursday and i still don't know what i'm going to do. nicole and krista will be here by then, but nicole's probably gonna want to stay in and watch movies. and krista is definitely gonna want to go out to the bars and party. normally, i would do it just for the sake of it and skip the drinking. but right now, i don't want to be in a sleezy bar. i'd probably catch a few clouds of smoke and run for the bathroom. i told my dad i wasn't planning anything, and to tell you the truth i really DON'T want to. i'm always so tired and dizzy and nauseaous. i've had a lot of headaches too, and my back's been giving me a hard time lately. goddamn car accidents, ruined my back. i hope my doctor can give me some answers because i'm sick of putting up with this, i have enough to deal with already.

i still haven't found anyone to take my stuff in fredericton either. it seems no one wants to help me and i'm scared my landlord's gonna get sick of it and dump it all. there's probably at least $2,000 worth of stuff there, and i'm ready to have a fit. no one understands how important that stuff is to me... i dreamed the other night that my landlord called and was okay with everything and said he wasn't gonna dump my stuff. he even said i could keep my stuff there for free! then i woke up and realized it wasn't true and now i'm back to the old drawing board. tonight, another person just said they couldn't pick it up and i want to cry my eyes out because nothing's working out for me right now. this counselling thing's NOT working, man.

I'm wearing: flannel pj's, penguin socks
I'm listening to: the peacock song *bif naked*
I'm thinking: i can't breathe