I'm finding it so hard to drag myself out of bed these days. My dad or brother usually comes to get me when I haven't eaten all day, and it's only then that I get up and pretend to be happy. I've never felt this useless before... I'm constantly wondering why I'm even alive.

I was talking to Damieon last night. Up until then, he'd either ignore me or change the subject when I mentioned anything to do with the baby. Last night he tried changing the subject and I called him on it. I asked him why he wouldn't let us talk about it. You know what he said? "It's the past, I don't dwell in the past." I really started getting mad, knowing he was lying. The way he was talking made me feel like he was making Brayden a figment of my imagination; like I was never pregnant and I should never talk about it again. I really started getting mad at him by then, and he said he didn't want to talk about it. Eventually I just got so pissed off at him and let him drop the subject. Once he started talking about something else, he was perfectly fine. A lot of the time, I wish I'd never met him. The first real memory I have of him is when he and Nicole came to see me in the E.R. after I got hit by the car. He was drunk at the time. Why did I not see through him right then? Oh yeah, I was high on morphine and worrying about my coat. Well, I give up on him, it's not worth all the stress.

I wish I could see it; my destiny. What am I alive for? What am I supposed to be doing with my life, am I on the right track? When will I know that things have fallen into place... or will I? I know that I'm not supposed to know all that ahead of time, but it would be so much easier on me right now if I had some sort of clue, some guidance.

Any day now...

I'm wearing: Baby tee, low-rise velour pants, cat socks
I'm listening to: Will & Grace
I'm thinking: Meh