i think i've found myself some much-needed courage. for those of you who have to find out this way, i'm really sorry. i've been waiting for the right time, but i guess there is no right time; even so, i don't know where to start.

i guess i can start back in 19... 91? somewhere around there. one of my friends (i'll disclose her name) and i did some fooling around over a period of months. i don't even know what went through my head as we used to sneak about... did i know what i was doing? did i even know what i was doing was "wrong"? i don't know, it just happened. i do know that i liked it, and it was worth sneaking around for. no one knew, and we didn't say anything.

eventually, she moved away, and that part of my life moved away with her. got buried, and forgotten. years went by, and i somehow blocked it out. i went along with my life, had boyfriends, acted like all my other friends did.

then along came 1999. i was at a friend's house late one night, and caught myself checking her out. i realized what i was doing and tried to snap out of it. i blamed it on being tired, i blamed it on being completely "out of it", i blamed it on anything i could. my head was filled with confusion and disbelief, and i had to go home.

a million thoughts were running through my head, and i didn't know what to think of myself. what happened in that bedroom? was i doing what i thought i was doing? what the hell is wrong with me?... i started trying to piece things together, and then i remembered. that girl. way back when. how could i have blocked something like that out? then... all these memories of being interested in girls, more than i should have been. it was always there, why didn't i know it? what left it out of my consciousness until i was 17 years old? what's wrong with me? what am i going to do? who am i going to talk to? will everyone still love me?

i didn't know what to do. i did the only thing i could think of: call jen. i had never met her, but we talked online all the time, and by phone too. she was gay, so i knew she wouldn't freak out.

i talked to her, and tried to make sense of it all. she was completely shocked, and couldn't really help me much at all. neither was anything i could find online... it was ultimately up to me about what i would do.

so i just let time figure things out for me. i couldn't make a decision right away, so i let things go on their own. over time, i knew more and more that i liked girls. i liked everything about them, and my mind was made up. i liked guys, and girls. i'm not sure when i made up my mind, but i haven't thought otherwise for a while.

and i can now say that i'm bisexual.

not everyone knows. my family doesn't know (though i'm quite sure my mother has gotten into my diary and knows, since she's curiously confronted me about it a few times), and only a few of my real life friends know. they're completely okay with it, and i'm glad to have their support. almost all my closer online friends know, and i figured it was time that the internet knew too.

i'm looking forward to moving, and starting things clean... being able to meet new people and having the opportunity of them knowing before we grow as friends. opportunites to do anything i like without being held back.

and now i can be myself.

I'm wearing:
I'm listening to:
I'm thinking: