i know this is a long-awaited entry, and even though i know i need to let everything out, i'm finding it incredibly hard to plop all my confessions on the table.

anyway, here goes...

i've dropped out of university; i guess everything stems from that point.

i've been so depressed lately... knowing that a lot of different problems and people were pissing me off and making life seem so much harder than it has to be, just pushing at my sanity, trying to give me that last shove over the edge.

crying, and feeling shitty and depressed, and crying some more. wishing i was anywhere else but here, in this awful situation. no money, no real friends i could talk to, hearing all the problems that were going on back home... no girlfriend or boyfriend, having the car accident pop up again with my lawyer, dealing with my crap agency that wouldn't understand me, school.

everything.

and all these problems were building up on top of everything else that has happened throughout my life... physical, mental, sexual abuse... an abusive alcoholic mother and a constantly working father, no friends, bullies, no money, many scary and hard situations... and never any counselling.

and i cracked. my dad asked me if i wanted to go home, and i had made up my mind the next day. i'd rather drop out of my semester early-on and leave with no academic penalty than stay and flunk out with a crap transcript.

so that's what i decided. but even better, i'd go home and start some counselling... for the first time ever. learn how to deal with all my feelings rather than bottle them up and drive me crazy. learn how to appreciate life more than i already do. learn to love people.

and when i'm all better, i plan on coming back here and picking up where i left off.

so i told all my friends and they can't believe it. they're acting like i have some serious cancer and they'll never see me again. i'm the big talk on campus and it makes me feel like shit. everyone's trying to keep me here, saying it won't be the same and they'll miss me and i'll create more problems by leaving instead of staying anyway. even if i'm more fucked up than a lot of people in the psych wards.

but even so, i'm finding it hard to get my ass to the school and tell them i'm dropping out. i'm finding it hard to tell my funding agency that i'm not going to be in school because they've FINALLY picked my ass back up by some freak miracle. i'm finding it hard to tell my lawyer that i can't stay, and i'm finding it especially hard to tie up all the loose ends and get ready to go back to the shithole that i call "home". and realizing that my dad scraped up $7,000 to make sure his little girl stayed in school, because he'd find a way to make things work. and now it's all gone.

is it really going to be better for me? is this really going to help me out in the long run? because it seems so much easier to stay here and bottle everything up... this is such a huge step for me and i don't know if i can do this or not.

i've let so many people down, and i don't even feel confident about my decision.

please make me feel good about all this.

I'm wearing: tommy tee, stretchy jeans, red socks
I'm listening to: my religion *bif naked*
I'm thinking: i wish damieon would wake up... right after i finish this entry