i've been miserable these past few days; instead of going away, my nausea is just getting worse and worse. i woke up at 4 a.m. after just a few short hours of restless sleep, my stomach in my throat. i ended up staying awake and lingering around on the internet until it was time to fill my bladder beyond the brim with water.

my ultrasound was awful. the technician turned out to be one of my old drill seargents from army cadets and she was just so heartless and inconsiderate during the whole thing. my uterus looked so empty, i couldn't stop looking at the screen, and at the same time it was breaking my heart and i wish i could pull my eyes away. it turns out that there's still some left-overs so i'm on medication to finish my miscarriage. i'll spare you a lot of details, but i'm in quite a bit of pain right now and along with my overpowering nausea, i don't know how i'm going to get through this. some of my internet friends came to me with their stories and it's good to know i'm not entirely alone. one of my friends is going to send me a teddy bear that she said i can hug whenever i miss brayden. i'm eventually going to find a place to store all my pregnancy/postpartum information so i can stop using this as my outlet. i'm sure there's not very many people out there that enjoy reading all this... it's my only way of dealing with it right now.

it's been a week now, and it went by both quickly and entirely too long. i slept away a lot of it, and when i was up my mind has been consumed with it (and when it wasn't, my body reminded me). i've basically forgotten how to cry, or i just don't care anymore. i've blocked myself off from the world besides all my different appointments; as of tomorrow afternoon, i'll have been to seven different appointments in five days. even if i wanted to leave the house, i couldn't because one of my medications has quite unpleasant side-effects.

it's still nothing like christmas in this house. my little family dragged me into the woods yesterday to finally go and find a tree and i swear i thought i was going to throw up just minutes into our search. the view of the river was beautiful though, i was pissed that i forgot my camera. the tree is still out in the front yard and i doubt it'll get into the house anytime soon. there's no christmas music, no decorations, no visitors. it's quite depressing here actually. my dad was trying to kick my sister out of the house the other day but she didn't come home for her appointment with social services and now we have to wait until after christmas. them's the breaks.

i know i'm leaving lots of stuff out, but i have an excuse; my body is a dangerous mixture of hormones right now and there's nothing you can do about it. damn, i didn't think "pregnancy brain" was this bad but i can attest to it because i've been a complete idiot lately... i even forgot the name of the frikkin bargain shop that's been here for over ten years.

now THAT'S pitiful.

I'm wearing: tommy tee, low rise velour pants, knee-high sparkly socks
I'm listening to: work it *missy elliott*
I'm thinking: stupid pills...