it's taken a lot of strength to get through this past week. i last wrote on my birthday, and left out one big event that was going on (and still is). i got in touch with damieon last night to tell him i had still been pregnant. all this time, since october, it has been my little secret. i didn't let anyone in on it, not even damieon. i thought i had miscarried in november and let everyone think it, but the symptoms continued and i had nothing else to pin them on. i wanted to wait until after my doctor's appointment (today) to come on here with the news, maybe with ultrasound pictures, bragging that i heard my baby's heartbeat.

but along with all the other bad news on my birthday, i sat down to watch spiderman at the end of the night and i started cramping up. my hopes were lost in the bathroom and the days following my birthday got progressively worse. the miscarriage was ruining me... i couldn't do anything but sleep and cry, and it literally made me weak and in pain. i thought i'd end up in the e.r. because it was getting so bad... and all the while i was going through it all on my own. my choice of course, but i had no one to turn to for help. i had hoped to find my baby amongst it all, but i didn't and that broke my heart even more.

i went to my doctor today, and left my news for last. i told her how i was unbelievably depressed again and i didn't feel like living anymore. i told her how everything just kept getting worse and worse and she wanted me to go back on antidepressants again, and i agreed. i've been put on zoloft now; i used two others in the past but they didn't work for me. and then, with no other way to put it, i just told her straight out that i had a miscarriage last week and i swear after everything else she heard i think her heart broke for me; i saw it in her eyes. i explained it all to her, and she did another pregnancy test on me to see how much hcg (pregnancy hormone) was still lingering around in my system. even after nearly a week since i lost the baby, there was a faint positive line in almost no time... it wasn't dark, it just brought my knowledge out in the open. it made me angry... why does pregnancy have to stay around for so long? isn't the miscarriage itself hurtful enough? it didn't help seeing a pregnant girl sitting next to me in the waiting room either.

not only do i have to deal with my regular depression, i have postpartum depression mounted on top of everything else. my morning sickness (aka nausea as i kept saying before today) is still quite strong... i cooked for the first time in a while, as i've been avoiding cooking lately because the smells would just make me urge. a lot of smells still overwhelm me and it's hard cramming food down my throat. even foods i love are becoming the enemy. the changes my body started going through are slowly reversing themselves and i have nothing to hold onto anymore. i go in for an ultrasound within the next few days to make sure my uterus is completely empty; my doctor made everything sound so cold and heartless. how can no one understand? it's going to kill me laying there and looking at the screen of an empty womb where a little baby should be moving around. i never got to see it, and i never will. how did i manage to fit into that 5% range? why me?

this baby was not wanted by any means. i'm sure if you ask any girl in my situation, more than likely she grows a bond with it as time goes on. hell, it's your child. i became attached to the baby growing inside me as it started to fill my belly out. feeling strongly that it was a boy, i've decided to name him brayden marek. i'm still sorting through my feelings from minute to minute... a lot of the time i'm still numb to it all, blocking anything and everything out. and then sometimes it just overwhelms me and i have to force back my tears and wonder how the hell i'm going to get through this. this has been a hard week for me, and i have no one to help me out. if anyone reading this knows what i'm going through, PLEASE e-mail me. it would do me a world of good.

right now i'm just trying to live day to day, because there's no other way i could manage it.

I'm wearing: baby tee, pinstripe stretchy flares, red socks
I'm listening to: can't hold us down *christina aguilera and lil kim*
I'm thinking: why is it always me?