i disappointed my dad and brother this evening; my brother invited me to his cadets banquet and i had to keep saying no to him. little did they know i'm on medication that doesn't keep food in my system... that this medication is going to rid me completely of brayden's existence. i feel so unbelievably empty, physically and emotionally. i'm starting to feel guilty now, like it's my fault that he's gone. i could have eaten more, i could have tried to pull myself out of depression... and i know it's not my fault but i can't help but thinking otherwise. i'm finding it harder and harder to function; i feel like the world should stop with me, just until i can pull myself out of this hole. i sleep a lot more, just to stop my mind from obsessing over brayden. i've lost about ten pounds since i've been pregnant, and i know that's not healthy... but the first five i lost due to morning sickness, and i lost the rest since i miscarried. this is going to be a long, hard road to cross and i hope i don't lose my mind in the process.

only five days until christmas, but it could be the middle of august for all i care. and the longer i can keep christmas out of this house, the better. i hate it that everyone's so happy while i'm feeling like utter crap and cannot force myself to participate. i wouldn't care if christmas fell off the face of the earth at this point... just leave our new computer at my doorstep and you're free to go.

i didn't cry at my counselling session today, which was the first time in a while. i told my counsellor about brayden and everything i've been going through. she didn't even suspect i was pregnant, even though she knew i was nauseous 24/7; she just thought i was anorexic or something. i really think this miscarriage has numbed me more than i'd like to admit... it's kind of scary actually. it's going to be weird knowing i (hopefully) won't be able to feel sad at all in the next month or so; antidepressants can be a godsend if they actually work. i'm really hoping zoloft is the one that does it for me... screw serzone and paxil.

those stupid pregnancy test commericals have been all over the t.v. since all this has been going on. someone make them stop.

i'd do anything if they would just stop.

I'm wearing: adidas baseball tee, stretchy flares, butterfly socks
I'm listening to: choking on the truth *bif naked*
I'm thinking: i don't know what to think...