i missed my only class today. damieon came and crawled into my bed after he missed his class, and we somehow managed to sleep through my frikkin 1:00 class. i blame it all on him, he knows i sleep better with someone else in bed with me.

i feel like i don't know who i am anymore, like marie's been lost somewhere along the way and this body's been replaced with some hormone-filled zombie-like being.

while damieon was on the internet, i barracaded myself into his room and forced out some tears. even crying, it seemed like i've made my self-defense of pushing my feelings away that i couldn't even feel bad while i was crying and kept stopping. so i didn't even really get to cry. and damieon makes it seem like there's nothing wrong with me and tries to make me feel bad for feeling fucked up.

i want to give up. there's just so much going on, and i feel so out of place. i can't think, i can't concentrate, and that it makes it that much harder to go to school and pay attention to the lectures and do my readings. it makes it hard for me to even get up in the mornings and haul my ass to the shower.

my best friend doesn't even care about how i feel. he makes me feel bad for getting mad at him when he acts like an annoyance, and he gets mad at me when i try to make him fuck off. he gets mad at me because i don't want to go places with him, and he gets mad at me when i don't want to go walking with him. he gets mad when i don't want to do what he does, because he's the master, right? fuck no. he won't listen either. so if you're reading this damieon, fucking CLUE IN and give me some slack here. i feel like i'm being pushed away from all my other friends because he demands so much from me. i don't get to see anyone else anymore, and even nicole thinks i'm ignoring her because i'm mad at her or something.

i'm falling behind in school... i have no happiness for life at all, and damieon's mad at me because HE thinks i'm not eating enough. getting mad because he can't understand that my stomach is a lot smaller than his and cannot take half as much food as his can.

i'm mad at the asshole who hit me with his car. i'm mad at him because he stripped away all my dignity and my courage. i'm mad because he scarred me for life in more ways than one and things will never be the same. i'm mad because it's left me with so many unresolved feelings, and i bet he's going on with life like nothing happened, and i bet that he's fucking pissed because he hit me with HIS car. I HOPE I FUCKING DENTED IT.

i'm mad because i'm single. i don't have someone in my life to just cry on, to have someone for moral support. i don't have someone to share cuddling with, or kisses, or all that stuff that makes you feel somewhat signifigant in the world. what the fuck is wrong with me? am i that ugly, or is my personality not good enough?

i'm mad because i'm fucked up in the head, and it seems that no matter what i try to do, i can't make myself better. no matter how optimistic i try to be, i always get knocked down to the dirt and have my head stepped on by every single person. i get taken advantage of by friends, family, and strangers. no matter what, it always happens. people pick on me, even if they don't try to. and because i bottle everything up, they don't see it. and even if i DO tell them they're going over the line, they're going too far with things... they don't believe me. you people know who you are.

i'm mad at myself because i try to push this all away with drugs. every night, damieon forces me to go out somewhere and get stoned with him. i'm mad at him for making me feel obligated to go with him, for making me do it with him because he doesn't want to be stoned alone... because it's not the same without me, because i make him laugh. but most of all, i'm mad at myself for giving in, trying to temporarily forget all the shit that's going on in my life.

i'm mad because i can't deal with all these feelings. i'm mad because i've been putting up with these kinds of feelings all my life, acting as the world's doormat. i'm mad because i can't solve anything, and i can't let go of all this pain and shame.

i'm mad because there's so much going on and now i have no other choice but to seek counselling in order to keep on living. i'm mad because i have school to deal with too.

but what really depresses me... is that i can't even talk to my own dad about all this. he calls me and i tell him everything is okay, all the while i'm cryng inside my head.

i'm always crying inside my head.

i've let everyone down. i've let myself down.

i want to give up.

I'm wearing: baby tee, stretchy jeans, cow socks
I'm listening to: stolen sidewalk *bif naked*
I'm thinking: i'm in one major fuck up...