i think my shoulder's going to pop out of socket in the very near future. it feels VERY odd even as i type, and i'm resting my palms on the laptop. i have a feeling this isn't going to be a very pleasant experience. i started with physio again, that's what made my shoulder so bad. apparently, the tendons in my shoulder have been swollen, probably since the accident. i need a month of therapy, including more exercises and ultrasound treatments on the tendon. damn, there's some funky pressure going on in my shoulder socket.

my stomach is cramping quite differently... i can't even really call them cramps, but a pain that's not really that constant. i've decided not to do anything unless i think it is absolutely necessary. i feel really bad because i'm still not convinced that this is a period, and i don't know what to call it either. i was compelled to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test today to see if the positive line would get any darker, but even if what i'm going through right now is spontaneous abortion, the test would still come out positive. i don't think i want to know. i'm just going to stick it out for now. before all this happened, damieon was starting to warm up to the idea of a baby. he told me he wanted a boy, which is what i would have wanted too. he wanted to name it devon, which i would have considered. he wanted to name it leila if it were a girl and i would have loved him for that. but i've already gotten him to stop talking about it all, i don't want to hear any of it.

my doctor also called this morning. she feels she knows more about my depression that i do. she feels i need to go back on antidepressants again, though she hasn't even seen me yet. she also believes that i want to hurt myself, despite me telling her that i don't have anything of the sort in my mind. i was crying when she was saying all this. hating her more than anything in the world. i have to see her next month, the earliest time open for appointments at the hospital. i hate the hospital, so many bad memories.

i really don't like the fact that i may be put on antidepressants again, i've been on them twice before. i thought i didn't need them, that my life is always utter crap and antidepressants couldn't fix my situation: that i was the one to make it better. but i've been starting to wonder if there really is something wrong with my mind. i'm an insomniac because i lay in bed thinking. overthinking, about anything and everything. thinking until my brain gets tired and i fall asleep. i worry too much, and i think too much. i take a simple situation and make it unbearably complicated. i take a fun thing and find something to worry over. i really do make good things into nightmares. not because i want to, because i can't control it. i seek control in everything. i make things familiar to myself through obsessive compulsive disorder. i find it hard to pay attention to almost anything. i can't feel emotion until my problems get too overwhelming and the whole world crashes down on me. i don't know how to react.

i'm scared that my anorexia has come back full-on. i don't think i've ever mentioned it before, but i've been battling it for at least five years now. i've never seeked medical attention for it, i convinced myself that i never got out of control with it. but i can't argue that i went from 150 pounds to 105 pounds with no other change in my life but the amount of food i consumed. i wouldn't eat for days. my friends were all scared for me, my parents even started to say i was getting too thin too fast. i don't know how i managed to shrink my stomach, but it got to the point that i would be full from a glass of juice. eventually i got myself to eat again and even though i told myself i was cured, food has been my enemy ever since. my stomach isn't the same, i still get full quite easily. i've been battling with my weight over the past few years but i think 130 pounds is where i belong because i've stayed at this point for a while now, and i feel good. i'm still so self-conscious of my body and being sick has given me an excuse to stop eating again. i eat when my dad tells me to eat, otherwise i would forget altogether.

and i'm scared that i may have worried myself to the point of miscarriage. i don't know if i can ever stop myself from being like this... i wonder if can ever be mentally stable enough to be able to support a pregnancy.

my friends are all worried about me. some of them are mad at me for blocking them out. that has never been my intention, and i can't make them believe me. i don't know how i got so completely fucked up.

and i'm being plagued with nightmares almost every night. i can't sleep.

i need help.

I'm wearing: baby tee, patchworks jeans, stripey toe socks
I'm listening to: some r & b crap on muchmusic
I'm thinking: i don't want my shoulder to get dislocated