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I need out
Sunday, Dec. 28, 2003
Marie is The current mood of at

I definitely need to get out of this house... the sooner the better. I can handle the lack of a dryer (that's been gone over a year now anyway), I can deal with having no hot water because our water heater broke... I can deal with the fact that I can't even maneuver around my dad's crap anymore without knocking something down... I can deal with lots of stuff. But I can't deal with the people in it and no one can make me. I don't know if I'm getting less tolerant towards my family, if they really are getting progressively worse, or if it's just my hormones; but I'm teetering on the edge of sanity right now and if I don't find my own place soon I'm just going to lose it. I can't take the yelling and arguing anymore, and I just CANNOT listen to all the swearing and back-talking and smart-mouthing and degradation and the sort. Everything's just so negative and hurtful, even when it's not directed towards me. To think I've lived with this shit for 22 years, it makes me wonder how I'm still here. I NEED OUT.

Christmas was pretty bad. I got completely left out this year, getting a pair of socks, a puzzle, and pajamas for Christmas (which I wouldn't even have gotten had I not picked them out myself on Christmas Eve). I sat and watched the rest of my family get present after present, and I just started crying and couldn't stop. It's not even that I wanted certain things, I just wanted to be included. No one cared enough so I just went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I feel invisible half the time, and the rest of the time I feel as though I'm an inconvenience. I haven't felt so hurt and betrayed by my family in a long time. By my family, the one I can't stand to begin with.

This baby needs to come out so I can escape from this life and concentrate on my own. He needs to come out soon too, I'm sick of being pregnant.

I'm wearing: Flannel pajamas, terry slippers
I'm listening to: We are the champions *Queen*
I'm thinking: I can't belong to this family

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