so, i didn't really explain much last night because i was dead tired and had no desire to be on the internet. and right now, i might forget things too... because i forget things. and i'm not all that focused right now either.

justin and i didn't do anything last night. i'm not saying that things couldn't have happened, but i prevented them. i went out there expecting some non-attached physical loving (haha) but when i got there, i got so disinterested and uncomfortable about it.

see, i have no interest for a relationship right now, seeing all the things that go with it and all the stress that can (i'm not saying DOES) come along with it. i don't wanna get sucked into a relationship, and make sacrifices for someone else when i have yet to get my OWN priorities straight. i didn't come home from my studies to swoop right into this stuff and lose meaning of everything i've worked at right now. does that sound so bad?

so when we were watching the shawshank redemption and he was trying to hit on me, i ignored all his attempts. but even though, i wasn't USED to that kind of attention, and i felt exposed. i didn't know how to react. should i just let him do his magic and lift me off my feet? you know me, lover of all sorts of attention.

but i pushed it all away. i don't know if i did the right thing or not, because i was being pulled in both directions.

i'm really confused now. he was such bad news for me last year, and i'm pretty sure he'd be just as much bad news this year or at any other point in my life. he's caused me so much pain. he said he's changed, but how can anyone actually believe that? i've built this natural rejection towards him, but it's like it wears off when i'm around him.

i don't know if i should tell him to stay out of my life, go with things, or what.

just when i think i'm in control of everything, something like this always happens.

grrrr.

I'm wearing: satin butterfly pj's, butterfly slippers
I'm listening to: i'm gonna getcha good *shania twain*
I'm thinking: i hafta get on the ball and go into town