i'm extremely sorry for my lack of entries lately. it's really hard to own an arm that doesn't work in a world of people with functional arms.

you know what's even weirder? i don't even miss the internet anymore. and what's disturbing is i probably wouldn't even care if you took away my internet account.

i'm planning on going back to the university tomorrow. i missed a whole week and most of the doctors and nurses and even the police say that i'm going to be soooooo far behind. but when you really think about it, i missed about two of each of my four classes. and the profs that went out of their way to get in touch with me at the hospital (and the prof that gave me a book to wish me better) said that i wouldn't have to worry about anything. i guess that's good though, because i think i'm looking at a lawsuit on this whole car accident.

so, the car accident. i went over to melissa's on friday after school to pick up my new bif naked cd. i stayed and talked with her for a while, had supper, then i went on my way back to residence, since i had to work on my big paper that was due on monday. i took the bus and got off on my street, not really near my residence. it's a pretty busy street, sometimes scary. i stopped by the corner store for junk food and was on my way home. it was my first time walking there (yes, i'm extremely pampered) so i was pretty careful. i got to the lit crosswalk, waited for it to get clear, and started to cross. all of a sudden, i saw headlights, then all i remembered was the sound of the car hitting me and then flying through the air. i hit the ground, though i can't remember how. i was thinking how i was gonna get up and tell these shitheads off for hitting me on a crosswalk. as soon as i tried to get up, my arm stayed limp behind me and waves of excrutiating pain shot through my upper body. i wasn't going anywhere.

people crowded all around me and covered me up with blankets and asked me who i was and all those classic questions. an ambulance was called, and the proctors from my residence came to comfort me. DAMN was my arm and shoulder killing me. they tried to keep my spirits up and everyone commented on my turquoise hair. i even tried to make the best out of it, and kept everyone chuckling. the fire department came and supported my neck and back, and made sure i stayed conscious. it was at least 20 minutes before the ambulance came, the crackheads. they sure had fun trying to get me on a stretcher and into the ambulance... i screamed like crazy, my arm was no longer a part of my body (in my opinion), but a way to torture me. my arm dangled around with every move, and sharp bones poked through my arm and into my chest. it almost made me sick.

the hospital was even worse. they brought me to the e.r. and moved my arm from its position leaning outwards to rest on my stomach. ariane says she heard me scream out in the waiting room. they also cut my brand new $460 coat off me, and stripped me down to my underwear. they took me to the x-ray department where they took shots of my whole skeleton and behaved liked bitches and told me off for screaming when they moved my arm. i got them to pump morphine into me at least three times, and the damn stuff didn't help at all.

i was off to the e.r. again as they had no rooms for me and i waited for a surgeon to come and talk to me. the diagnosis: a broken and dislocated shoulder, and a severely fractured upper arm; severely fractured as in two or three main big broken pieces, and a bunch of shattered bone all around it. amazingly, my arm was the only part of my body that got injured. i wasn't surprised to hear that my arm was fucked up but i didn't expect surgery. i'd never had a single surgery before and it freaked the hell out of me.

they stuck me up in the pediatrics ward, and scheduled my surgery for the next day. the actual surgery lasted for a little over an hour, while they cut a few openings in my arm and screwed pins into my shoulder and arm.

i stayed in the hospital for six horrible days. i was so nauseous from drug experimentations that i couldn't eat and i threw up whatever i managed to force down. and to make it worse, nothing really took away from the pain. i went through a lot of depression. how was i going to manage life with one arm for two months when this arm was so important to me? how was i going to manage school? how was i going to do all this on my own? why does this happen when i'm so far away from my family? why me?

there was also the fact of the accident itself. i think i made the front page of the paper, and they were already coining it my fault. my fault because i didn't press the crosswalk button. what fucking crosswalk button? i didn't know there was one, no one at the residence told me (it's their crosswalk really) and i didn't ever see anyone use it. does that make it my fault? i wanna sue the fuck out of anyone that takes fault in this, for putting me through so much pain and disability, but it looks as though i'm going to have to fight to keep my innocence.

they even want to blame me because i was wearing dark clothes when it happened. hmm, "okay, i'm not entirely sure if i'll be walking late (6:30) so i'll wear some light clothes out of my limited wardrobe". or even better, "oh, i can't get this coat that i really like because it's too dark to be wearing (lavender)". but hello, that fucking crosswalk was lit VERY clearly, so my "dark" clothes would have shown up better anyway. jerks.

so that was the whole car accident. no one wants to take blame. not the driver of the car, not the university, no one. it's apparently my fault and the justice system has let me down once again. the cop has just finished her investigation so i guess i'll hear the whole outcome soon enough. and i've also been told that it's not even worth pressing charges because of the whole button situation. damn it all to hell.

anyway, i've had to adjust to my new temporary self. having a bath has had to be the hardest adjustment, and running simple errands becomes nearly impossible without one of your arms. but i'm hanging in there, and i've forced myself to try and make some use out of my arm around the house. of course i have no control over my shoulder and my elbow is still extremely weak, but it comes in handy here and there. that cursed sling is a pain in the ass, but i need it to sleep, and to function while in public.

i've also gotten something out of lisa-marie. it looks as though justin has found himself another girlfriend back home. i expected it from him, really... but when she told me, my heart sank. we weren't phsyically together very long at all, two weeks. but i thought he was different and believed this long distance thing would actually work. now whenever i think of him, i'm scared to picture the girl that's receiving justin's kisses... i think of the girl that cuddles into his safe arms, and i think of the girl that looks into his eyes and considers him hers. it breaks my heart. he's called my cell phone twice since i've been typing this entry, the first time he's tried to call since the day after i was in the accident (nine days ago). i let the first call ring out, and i bumped his other call a few minutes ago. i'm really not in the mood to cry my eyes out right now. i'm not ready to confront my first cheating boyfriend and break up with the first guy that i ever really felt special with. i'm not ready to deal with shit all over again and i'm sure as hell not ready to explain to everyone that i broke up with justin because he was cheating on me.

melissa asked me why this stuff is always happening to me, why everything has to be so hard and emotional. you know what i told her? "because my life was never meant to be easy". and i completely stick by that.

and i'm pretty much fed up with all the looks and whispers i get about my hair. i thought cities didn't care what you look like, but apparently fredericton sucks ass in that department.

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