I've long since come to the conclusion that caffeine belongs in my life just as much as food does. Or maybe I'm weak when it comes to my only addiction... I'd love nothing more right now than to smoke a massive amount of weed. I just want to get away from my life right now; drugs did that before, no matter how helpless it was of me. But I'm not going to touch any drugs, not even alcohol (my allergies never stopped me when I really wanted to get drunk). I'm not going to touch any of it because I promised Brayden that I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. But even moreso, I'm going to stay straight-edge because I sacrificed my lifestyle for my baby and that gave me a chance to change myself for the better. That's my little promise for today, no matter how minisclule it seems.

That said, I had a therapy session today; it went horribly in my opinion. I answered a lot of questions with "I don't know", which made me feel like a complete dumbass. How am I supposed to know how everything is going to magically get better for me? How can I find answers to my problems when I don't even know what's causing them? My counselor and I have basically hit a brick wall and I have no idea how I'm going to progress that way... I knew I was broken beyond repair. And I think I really needed to cry, and the topic of Brayden just brought it out. It's an ongoing struggle to keep my little marbles in that department, I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep it a secret from my family much longer. It's just too hard, I'm not strong enough to go through it on my own. What's the worst they could say to me anyway? Wait, I actually don't even want to know. The time will come when I can bring it up without worrying about everyone's reactions... but I still have to find the courage to tell my dad I love him. I honestly don't even remember the last time I told him that, it must've been years ago. He knows it, I know it, I just don't know how to vocalize it and feel comfortable at the same time. I astound myself sometimes.

Lisa-Marie is leaving again for Toronto sometime tomorrow, and guess what? I haven't heard a peep from her since Monday night. I probably won't hear from her tomorrow either, and I wonder why I got my hopes up about seeing her. She's always done that to me... made plans and just vanished on me. She's given me mental breakdowns and I ignorantly get my hopes up again anyway. I wish I knew where she was staying, this is so unfair. I haven't seen her for 1.5 years! She promised to come see me in the hospital after I got hit by the car and I didn't hear from her again until Monday night. That's Lisa-Marie. Sometimes I wonder why I pick these kinds of friends out, like I force myself to feel like shit or something. I wouldn't doubt it. I'm starting to think that I don't deserve to be happy in some sick way. I don't know, I should really stop overanalyzing, it's not good for me.

I think I'm gonna order some aromatherapy stuff online, I could sure as hell use some of that stuff right now.

I'm wearing: Knit long-sleeved shirt (except the sleeves aren't long enough), stretchy flares, cat/striped socks, flower slippers
I'm listening to: Video killed the radio star *Rancid*
I'm thinking: I better not be getting sick