well, tonight was pretty uplifting actually. i was home this evening, running little errands around the house, and watching the kids and dogs, and making sure the brats wouldn't burn the house down. lisa-marie was SUPPOSED to call me and we were SUPPOSED to go to the club with justin. but again, she was nowhere to be found. so i offically give up on her.

i made myself some rice, and just as i finished making it, nicole was in the driveway beeping for me to get my ass out. i can never leave rice, so i fixed myself a bowl and we went driving around. we went looking around at the stores for a while, and i tried on a winter coat. damn, it was soooo comfortable and i loved it. and it was a size small and it fit! i've never even dared to try on a size small but it fit me. i felt so proud. and it was the prettiest blue. i felt so bad leaving it there, i want it. maybe i'll find something like it out in new brunswick. but i definitely need a new jacket and coat. my jacket is at least five years old, and my coat is at least four years old. and they feel like complete garbage after i've tried new ones on. anyway.

after that, nicole and i drove around, talking. we went to her place, and i helped her out with her course selections, and just spent the night savouring the little time we have left here. i was pretty tense all night, because i really wanted to come out to her, but i couldn't bring myself to do it.

so after she dropped her son off at his grandmother's and was about to take me home, i brought myself to start.

"nicole..."
"wha..."
"i have to tell you something... i should have told you a long time ago... i'm not sure what you're going to think..."
"what???"
"it's nothing bad!"
"what is it?"
"........ i'm bi."
(snaps her head over to me and nearly swerves off the road)
"you're not!"

or something like that.
but it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, and she didn't think any less of me. she actually got curious. instead of taking me home (we were nearly on my street), she kidnapped me and drove around for over a half hour, talking about homo/bisexuality. and we really talked about it. i think it's the first time i've ever gotten to talk about it in that depth! haha. and with a straight person, quite ironic actually.

but to say the least, she was completely shocked. i shouldn't have told her while she was driving *lol*. i think the only other main friend i want to tell now is marilyn. other than that, i don't really care how anyone else finds out. i'm sick of leading a double life, and i'm not going to hide it anymore.

so when i got home, i had to call my mother since she was so desperate to hear from me. i asked her why she called, cause i knew it wasn't to see how i was doing. i mean, she left to go see her boyfriend when i move out of the province next week for university. she didn't even freaking say good-bye before she left. but, back to the phone call. it turned out that she wanted $60. and it took fifteen minutes of arguing to try and convince her that even though i do have 3� grand in the bank, that i have to make it last until april. that it has to pay for my books, and groceries, and transportation, and computer, and many other little things. she wouldn't listen, and she kept getting more and more bitter, so i just hung up on her. but it felt good, putting my foot down. yay me.

but, i really wish i could have gone to see justin tonight. blah. i need someone to make me feel special. i need someone to look at me in a way that no one else can. i need attention. and i'm going to get it dammit!

I'm wearing:
I'm listening to:
I'm thinking: