i am sooooo going to sleep good tonight, or so i hope. today was just plain awful.

first, work called and wanted me to work on yet another one of my days off. i HATE it when they do that, cause they make me feel guilty if i don't work, and i usually don't... so i make up some story about how i have to do this, or that... but today was my mother's "graduation" so i couldn't anyway. lisa-marie probably wanted to go and see friends, the lazy bum. she's going to get fired, i swear.

anyway, as i said, i had a "graduation" to go to tonight. my mother took a baby course for five months... she made bread boxes, and candle holders, and signs and stuff. she got to go on field trips, and road trips and she's got a graduation for that. anyway, she made me get all dressed up, in my graduation gown from two years ago. i felt WAY overdone, but i didn't want her to start any fights over what i was wearing.

dad decided to make fun of my poochy tummy, and that really pissed me off... i think i knew the rest of the night was going to be a disaster.

we went to the dinner, and i was absolutely starving cause i hadn't eaten all day (it was 6 p.m. by this time). there was supposed to be a buffet, and it turned out that there was hardly anything for vegetarians who also cut out sugar and caffeine. i got to have rice, carrots, coleslaw, and a few onion rings. i was so bummed. they had like 5 different meat dishes! grrrr. then, they didn't have bottled water, and they didn't have and decaf coffee. so i'm figuring they wouldn't have had any natural sweetener either. damn. my mother complained the whole time over everything, it was so embarrassing. but then all the speeches were made.

women were talking about all kinds of things, and a few of them made me cry... not out of admiration or anything like that, but over jealousness.

this one woman, wrote a poem when she started that course. she wrote about how she had seen her daughter tired one day. and she felt guilty, because her daughter was tired because she "had neglected her to pursue her own dreams, and not put her daughter first". these were when my first tears came, i couldn't fight them away. here is a mother, feeling guilty over trying to make something of herself. feeling guilty because she isn't devoting her full life to her daughter.

my "mother" hasn't been like that since... i was a toddler? i don't know... but even when i was little, a part of her belonged to her alcohol... and as time went by, that part grew bigger and bigger, and now that's all her life revolves around. she's full of hate and anger... i can't remember the last time she told me she loved me, or really showed me. i mean, she took off to see her boyfriend for months at a time, only coming back to get her cheques, which were for us. she never did spend a dime of it on things for us. i can't remember the last time i got to go out and get new clothes for school, or little things i would have killed to own. i was about eight when i remember getting to pick more than a couple of shirts and a couple pairs of pants... there are just too many things that went through my head when that woman read her poem, and something in me let go, and once i let those first few tears out, there was no turning back. i cried through the whole reception, and people were looking at me. with every speech, something hit me even harder, especially another poem i heard... something to do about how you can't make a person feel what they don't (this one hurt the most) and how your family is always going to be there for you, and so on... all these people in the room had it, i can't remember the last time i did have it. my dad tried to comfort me, but it ony made me worse.

at the end of the night, my tenth grade literature teacher (the instructor for that course) came up to me and asked me why i had been crying, and i couldn't tell her, she hugged me, but there was no way i could hug her back. she got me crying again, so she comforted me more. and my mother was right next to me, and you wanna know something? she wouldn't even have done it herself if i had cried til my head exploded (tohugh i have a nice pressure headache now). cause she's a heartless alcoholic. alcohol will ALWAYS come before me. i'll never have a mother again, and that's my life.

but, she just got home, loaded drunk.

time to go and crawl into my bed, and have a good night's sleep for once, i'm exhausted.

I'm wearing:
I'm listening to:
I'm thinking: