i've finished taking care of all my errands (why are cashier girls so nervous about selling thongs?), you should be oh so proud of me. i haven't started packing yet... but my doggie's using my pile of clothes as his bed, so i think it's not fair i should take that away from him, haha.

why is it that i always feel like a million dollars after i've gotten my hair cut? i love how my hair doesn't look so ratty anymore. i hate growing my hair out.

i saw many many people today (why does this always happen when i have to leave?)... i saw angela AGAIN today. when i told her i was going to switzerland, she replied wth "you're always going there aren't you?". trish said the same thing as well. i hadn't seen her in a year, which explains why i didn't know that emma, the baby in the back of the car, was hers. i saw my biological aunt and cousin at the store today... my cousin's here for the orthodentist. she's really pretty. i talked to my aunt for a while, but i don't feel connected with any of my biological family at all. they don't really care about me, not enough to try and make themselves a part of my life. so there. um... i bumped into olive at the dollar store. i ignored any communication with her, which (i admit) was quite rude of me. i thought i could oversee all the shit she put me through, i thought i could really forgive her for everything. and i didn't even say a word to her. but, even so, she didn't make any effort into talking to me either and she's the one that should be trying to patch things up, ultimately. or am i being stubborn about the whole thing? i don't care, she really hurt me. she degraded me, made me feel like dirt. and she did it because people liked me more than they did her. and she's older than me...

we came home this evening, and some lady was digging up our daisies. i wasn't pleased, and neither was my dad. he made some smart-ass comment right to her face, and she only rebuttled by saying that she'd had daisies last year and they didn't grow. so that gives her the right to steal our daisies right off our private property? poo poo on her.

my uncle called today with all the plans made out for me. he's picking me up at the airport, then he's taking me to their getaway for 1-2 weeks. then i'll take a train to the mountains and stay with another uncle until my cousin's wedding. then a different cousin will take me back to her place (and i get to meet stefan!), then to an aunt in germany, then back with the second uncle, then with my grandpa, and then to the first uncle's before i come back to canada. and you all wonder why i'm so hesitant about going? it's not that i don't like my family, but they have control over what i do. they make me go places, they make me eat gross food, they tell me how to live my life, etc. it's awful, really.

and for the first week or two, i won't even have any internet access. does that scare me? yes it does. well, maybe my cousin rafael will be coming, and maybe he'll have his ibook and he can share with me. actually, i've been debating on whether or not i should take my laptop. i didn't want to take it at first, because i won't really need it and i'm scared it'll get lost somehow (even though i'm taking it as hand luggage... call me paranoid). but then i realized i'll be taking my digital camera, and i'll be there for six weeks. it only holds 48 pictures, so i'll have to get old pictures off my disk and onto my laptop. besides, my region 1 dvd's won't be any good out in europe, and i need my angelina fix. so, my laptop goes with me, end of story.

my family's also been giving me tons of things to give to our relatives... letters, canadian souvenirs, presents, etc, etc. i'm beginning to think that one suitcase isn't going to be enough with all the crap they're giving me! i, myself (for once), have been trying to be lean on my packing... i've limited my wardrobe to 10 shirts (and 5 tank tops), 3 sweaters, 6-7 pairs of jeans, a summer dress *gasp* for the wedding, a few pairs of shorts, my pretty socks (and even two plain pairs!), enough undie things, and 3-4 pairs of footwear. is that too much? i cannot live without a decent selection of clothes. i'm bringing my big bag, just in case my family gives me shitloads of stuff to take back for everyone (they give us all kinds of hand-me-downs).

i think i might actually be ready to leave. i'm still not excited about it though. if i missed my flight, i wouldn't be disappointed. am i screwed up for thinking that way? i AM screwed up, i'll admit that. i blame it on my upbringing, don't fight me on it.

i noticed a CRAZY amount of male's eyes on me and my body today. even though it seems flattering, it gets degrading after a while... especially when these guys put absolutely no effort into concealing their actions. one time, in fredericton, i was walking home alone at night, all happy and at peace with the world that i'd FINALLY gotten an issue of access magazine with bif on the cover (and six pages in the magazine)... and then four guys going to their car all started checking me out and hollering at me and whistling. you have no idea how much effort it took for me not to let myself take any anger out on them. men, i swear.

anyway, i really should get going. i DO have to pack eventually... i want my dad to take me to tim horton's for coffee... i want to call friends... get last-minute things done on the internet.

there's so much to do (or id like to think there is)... so little time.

i'll miss you diaryland, i won't be gone too long, i promise. if i'm gone for more than two weeks, assume that i'm dead.

but don't wish that i'm dead, okay?

I'm wearing: baby tee, jeans
I'm listening to: sk8er boi *avril lavigne*
I'm thinking: i don't wanna go... but i do.