i nearly cried over one of my drunk guy friends on msn. we were talking and all of a sudden, he turned asshole-ish on me. he said something about me being a liar, and not knowing when i was lying or telling the truth. i told him to fuck off and don't bother talking to me if he was going to be a jerk when he didn't know what he was talking about. i'm one of the most fucking honest people you'll EVER meet and fuck you if you don't believe me. i've blocked a contact for the first time in ages, and he's just down the hall, nine doors away. it's been five minutes and he hasn't come to apologize or anything so i figure i won't be courteous towards him tomorrow.

justin decided to be an ass too. we were talking on msn and first he wanted to tell me he loved me and i told him not to because i didn't love him and i probably wouldn't. he was okay with that, but then we got into another huge argument over something else and all hell broke loose. he got all outraged and jealous as usual and he got offline saying he'd call me later on tonight. guess who hasn't called? i think a lot of his attitude has to do with the fact that i'm out here having fun, without him. i go out and have fun and he gets PISSED when i'm out with friends and too busy to talk to him. hello, i'm not going to leave my friends to talk to someone who calls at their own convenience. i've called him and he's been out, even when he says he's going to be in, so he has no room to talk. he's been on the phone while i was there with him and it was rude as hell. damn him.

aren't guys just the sweetest things? fuckers.

on other news, lisa-marie called for the first time in ages, as well as marilyn and i spent a lot of time talking to them. neither of them are going to school, or even doing anything productive, and at least one of them really regrets it. but hey, it's their lives, only they can change it. it was nice to hear from them though. and nicole's son eric asks about me every day. he's awesome, for a ten year-old. i'm going to get him something for easter, and nicole says he'd love to get an e-mail from me, so i think that's what i'm going to do.

at least my dad kicks ass. i came home at like 2:45 a.m. and had a message from my dad. "hi marieeeeee... that's all. good night!" i love him so much! my problem though is telling him likewise... i was talking to nicole about it earlier on tonight. he tells me he loves me every time we talk, and i usually respond with a "yup". every time. i WANT to say it back, but i can't. it's not that i don't love him, because he's the only person i love in the whole world. i just grew up not knowing how to express my feelings and be open about them. look where it's gotten me! nicole says i should just tell him i love him the next time i talk to him on the phone. i don't know if i'd be able to do it. i think it'd have to be in person, and i know it would be awkward. i can't even remember the last time i told my dad i loved him... probably before my pre-pubescent years. sigh. it's safe to say i'm feeling pretty shitty for the first time in a while.

and i really started thinking about my shoulder for the first time tonight too. i thought about the scars, and the whole deal with the complete loss of muscle tone in my whole arm, and the fight i'm going to have getting it back. i thought about what it's going to be like, when everything's healed... will my shoulder ever work decently again? how easily will it be injured? will i ever be able to do everything i used to do? am i going to get all the feeling in my thumb back? i think i was just avoiding all my feelings about the car accident at first... you know, i was too busy with fighting to keep my stomach down and the pain minimal in the hospital... learning how to function with one arm, getting a lawyer, dealing with my mother for one week, going back to school after missing a week and a half... then trying to catch up on what i missed and all the new work that was being thrown at me... running errands that had been bugging me for weeks, and trying to have a life in the meantime. now i'm really getting a chance to think about the future and it's really stressful. i could have died, and then i didn't even have any of my friends to be there when it all happened. i didn't even see them until after i was in the e.r. and i didn't really see them again until after my surgery the next day. i didn't even get to hear from my dad until a whole day later, at least. i dealt with it all on my own basically, and i think the only way i managed it was to numb my feelings (like i do with everything else in life). and there's a guy out there, going on with life as if nothing had happened. here i am, permanently damaged both physically and emotionally. does he care? most likely not. will i get the justice i deserve? i know not. i get stuck with a fucked up shoulder and mind. i swear this is how my life is meant to be. why can't things just be good for a while?

but hey, i still got hit on by a bunch of guys at the club last night. i must have looked sexy in my preppy clothes (i was totally out of clean clothes) and ever-so-sexy tan-colored sling. i must have SOMETHING going on. too bad i don't want any guys right now!

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