i cried today. i broke down and finally cried. my dad tried comforting me, but i can't take this much longer. i want everyone to leave me alone and let me relax. i don't want to do this anymore.

i wouldn't even know how to begin if i were to explain all the shit i've been going through in regards to my "scholarship" or whatever you'd like to call it. it's been one thing after another after another, with me running around like a frikkin dog (it even followed me to fucking europe). working my ass off just to keep my innocense. it doesn't seem to be going so well despite everything i've been doing to make things okay.

i woke up to a phone call from my sponsoring agency... they butt their noses into my lawsuit and want to take away any money i win to settle the $5,711.07 bill i supposedly owe them. all because i got hit by that fucking car.

actually, how can they seriously think i could finish the semester? listen to a few sentences that my surgeon wrote: "after an initial consultation on january 19th, 2002, it was recommended that your closed neurovascularly intact proximal humeral fracture of your right upper extremity should be treated surgically with anatomic reduction and internal fixation... this limited your ability to participate in normal activites of daily living, attend school and other activities outside the home... the disability that you demonstrated was caused by a transient period of complete inability to use your dominant right upper extremity." does my agency have no heart at all? or are they blood-sucking assholes, with my biological uncle running the whole thing...

they want to take my settlement away from me, no matter what i went through. just grab it out of my fingers, the money i am working my ass off for. i've been doing all this work and they've been sitting on their asses watching me. and now they want to do this.

i got off the phone with them, relayed it to my dad, and he got equally pissed off. we're going to take this to the newspaper if we have to. i want to rip my hair out, punch holes in the walls, yell and cry until my voice is gone. i want to give up.

i'm getting scared for my health... my headache won't go away, i've started getting dizzy, i've been running a low-grade fever for the past two days, and now my stomach's been going a little nuts. i had a really constant headache in may too, and it took forever to go away. my doctor says it was nothing, but if this keeps up i'm going to start thinking i have a brain tumor or something. i guess i'm lucky i'm not a hypochondriac.

it's become a chore to come on here and update about all the hard times i've been having. i don't think i'm up for it anymore, because it's depressing for me and equally depressing for you. i'm busy enough as it is, and with me travelling early next week yet again, time's getting even more scarce.

so i guess i'm saying that i have to go on hiatus. i'll try and come back for updates here and there, but i need a break. when the old marie shows up again, i'll be sure to say so.

send me some e-mails, because i really do need them right now... i'm a walking timebomb.

I'm wearing: *little miss bitch* baby tee, flannel bottoms, black socks
I'm listening to: heaven coming down *tea party*
I'm thinking: i wanna give up...