my world's been easing up a bit... don't get me wrong, i'm still walking on eggshells here. but it's been two days since we got that call from the hospital, and my dog's still here. not that he's supposed to be here though... the dogcatcher actually pulled up in our driveway. but, this is the first time i'm actually glad that the car is in the shop yet again, because he thought no one was home and left. my brother was playing on our street and saw him take off.

my dad wants to hide him away, dye his fur, whatever he can do to keep him here. i want him here too, but i'm not willing to lie to anyone to do so. he can do his part, but i won't help him. i love my baby, so much it hurts, but i can't be all sleazy about keeping him here. call me cruel, but i have morals. i just wish they would go away.

i HAVE managed to calm down a bit... i actually laughed today, miss swan was on and i hadn't watched the skit before. my dad was happy to see me laughing, and it actually felt good. i watched the shawshank redemption with my dad and sister, and i made some chili. and somehow i managed to breathe a bit of it in. how? fuck if i know, but i freaking asparated on a pinto bean. i can still feel it in my lung, and my dad made fun of me and told me that it's going to go rotten in there. yuck.

but on the other hand, i'm a lot more paranoid about everything than i normally am. i won't leave the house because i won't leave my baby... and i've been so stressed and scared that my period lasted less than half a day. i don't know how much more of this i can take.

i hate this, i really do.

i got some cd's in the mail today, and i'm not impressed with them at all. i thought jimmy's chicken shack was going to kick ass, but "do right", the only song i knew, was the only good one on the whole album. i don't know what i was thinking when i ordered mandy moore, and missy e (don't get mad at me) isn't really doing anything for me. and lil kim, her songs aren't as powerful as i thought they'd be. so i'm now going to look at my bill and see how much money i wasted... 60 bucks. i swear, i don't know where the hell i'm going to get all this money... damieon won't give me my money because he said i'll need it when we get to fredericton. hello, there IS such a thing as interest (17.9% of it to be exact)! one of my friends says she's not going to pay me back, PERIOD. another one will try to weasel her way out of it, saying she can't manage it... another will tell me she doesn't have the money. i'm going to shit my pants when i get my credit card taken away, and then continue to bash in all their skulls when i've regained my composure. NEVER AGAIN will i lend money to my friends.

i'm leaving for europe in a week. i have a feeling that i have a crapload of unfinished business to take care of before i can step foot onto a plane. let's see what i can conjure up...

- go to my old boss' office and get them to write up a letter that i could have gotten work there if my shoulder wasn't fucked up (to try and get compensation for a summer's worth of work lost).
- figure out what to do with the medical form my lawyer sent me (long distance phone calls, something i hate).
- write to my school to pre-register for extra courses (dropping is always an option), i WANT good classes next year.
- make sure all my friends will know i'm gone.
- get my hair cut and buy a few things i'll need (especially contact cleaning solution).
- try to find some sources for the paper i was supposed to do, because maybe i'll just get so bored that i'll do that paper anyway (and then get pity and have it marked anyway).
- make sure i stay sane for my trip to another continent (because as much as i'd like to get stranded in england, it's not that funny afterwards).

that's all i can think of right now, but it's also nearly 4:30 in the morning and my dad's hauling my ass to my old work to get some papers. and stuff. and i DID have a pretty decent sleep last night.

I'm wearing: teddy bear pj's, butterfly slippers
I'm listening to: cry *mandy moore*
I'm thinking: 4 new crappy cd's to add to my collection...